Saturday, 29 August 2020

Real Life Intrudes

 

I don't know about you, but as a writer I find the act of putting words onto paper or onto screen a cathartic expression.

I doesn't matter the subject, genre, or what form the writing takes. The very act of roaming in my mind, romping through my emotions and making it into something, has an almost therapeutic impact.

Unfortunately, sometimes, real life gets in the way. Writing is a major priority in my life, it’s an important aspect of who I am, but it is not the main source of my income. That comes from my day job. I’m not at the stage in my writing career where I can take the bet on myself and go all in, so for now, I need to find secure employment and that takes my free time away from writing.

The problem with this is, if I go too long without putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, I start to suffer from attacks of anxiety. Does that happen to anyone else?

I don’t always think about how important writing is to my life until I can’t do it. Usually, it’s just something I like to do, but as it turns out, it’s also my release. A place to escape to when I need it.

At the moment with the day job taking over, it feels as though real life is getting in the way. It’s a simple fact that when you’re in the process of building your creative career, when you have to work a day job, when your creative activity is not your primary money earner, there will be times it gets pushed out. Maybe you have to put more hours in at your day job, maybe you’re taking it home with you. Whatever’s going on, not being able to write is difficult.

Life is stressful enough, but now with the added pressure to bring in sustainable money, losing the one thing that eases my anxiety-ridden mind, is the hardest part of all.

 

Friday, 21 August 2020

The Writer's Uniform

 


Okay, I admit it. When I’m at home writing, pjs are my outfit of choice. Usually teamed with a messy ponytail and no makeup.

That’s the thing with writing; I gotta be comfy. The problem? It leaves me utterly ill-equipped for the times I have to leave the house. Casual attire, I’m okay with but when you bring writing events into the mix, I confess I’m lost.

Networking usually results in me worrying about it before attending over-dressed. I just can’t get the hang of fashion. My first writing event – networking with TV people – I had my hair loose (an anomaly for me,) there was makeup on my face, and I wore a dress with heels. Not tall heels, but still heels. The people there were in jeans. Dang it! I’d got it wrong. This happens more than I’d like it to. Over-dressed or under-dressed; it’s confusing to a girl whose wardrobe is basically made up of pyjamas.

Somewhere along the way, I think I forgot to learn the skills of personal style. Unless lounge-wear is considered style, in which case, I’m nailing it.

On the other hand, if it’s not, then I may need some help. Here are the tips I’ve come up with so far:

·       Plan ahead: I find it kind of helpful to think of what I’m wearing ahead of time, so there’s no last-minute plan. It’s not a flawless plan, because, as I said, I am sometimes overdressed, but at least I’m never under-dressed.

·       Dress for yourself: There’s no point being uncomfortable in an outfit you don’t feel nice in. If you’re out of place in your clothes, it’s not exactly going to bolster you for talking to strangers.

·       Simple is better: This one is personal for me. I’m not adventurous with fashion, but if you are, the last thing I want to do, is tell you to go against yourself. Like I said, dress for yourself. But personally, for me, I find it better to keep it simple. I just don’t have the personal style to pull of something adventurous.

That’s all I’ve got so far, but maybe the more I network the better I’ll get.


Saturday, 15 August 2020

Six Weeks, No Donuts

 

I was irrationally nervous as I prepared to start Weight Watchers.

 

I’ve done it before and it’s a program that’s always worked for me, I also had a fair idea of what my weight would be, so I don’t know why I had butterflies as I logged onto the website.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as a massively overweight person even as my BMI called me obese, but I didn’t feel healthy either.

 

I struggle with certain health problems because of having stupid cancer a few years ago. As much as the chemotherapy saved my life, it left behind a mark. With scar tissue, stomach issues and chronic fatigue that on their worst day can emulate the symptoms I had with cancer, leading to some scary thoughts and panicked paranoia, I was never looking for miracles by losing weight.

 

But I also knew that when I crazy-danced (putting on music and dancing all crazy) I could only last about two songs, and when I chased my dog around my parents’ small garden I could only do one lap, and running up the stairs…? Yeah, that was never an actual run. Those were things that I knew were affected by my heavy weight.

 

So, on a whim I looked up my local weight watchers and announced I was starting.

 

The first week was difficult. Learning about the programme, giving up the binge eating, and I admit that I’ve slipped up a few times, and because of that, I’m off to a slow start, but the weight is leaving me, and that makes the donut sacrifice.

 

I’m proud of my achievement so far because when I’ve tried dieting alone in the past, I inevitably sneak junk food and the diet doesn’t work.

 

I’m in the very early stages of my weight loss journey and I miss donuts like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m doing my best to stay motivated. I’m no expert about dieting, I’m learning what works for my body and I’m doing my best, but based on the last few weeks, here are my tips on getting started:

 

 

Do it for yourself

I don’t care what anyone says, losing weight is not easy. Making the decision to go on a diet and stick to it is not easy. There will be weeks when you do everything right and the best result is to maintain your current weight, there will be weeks when someone tells you how much food they ate and they lose four pounds, there will be people who lose it quicker than you, people who reach goals faster than you. For some the weight will drop off, for others it’s slow, painful progress. And that is why you have to do it for yourself. Because if there is some outside influence provoking you and it’s not something you need or want then it will be that much harder. Every pound you drop is something to be proud of. It’s a goal achieved. You’ll feel it so much deeper if you really want it.

 

 Exercise (ugh)

I hate exercising. It sucks. I find no pleasure in trying to get fit. So, my advice to you is do something that you can find enjoyment in. I’m, at heart, a lazy person so you’re unlikely to find me running or at the gym, so for my exercise (ugh) I walk the dog and I dance. And I don’t mean dance class. I get some music going and I dance until I’m tired. Usually with the dog jumping at my feet because she thinks it’s a game. Like I said, I’m lazy so I might not be the best person to offer advice on this but, hey, thirty minutes to an hour of walking has got to be better than thirty minutes to an hour watching TV dreaming of donuts.

 

Plan your meals

When I started weight watchers I found it difficult, not just the cutting down on all my favourite food part, but I didn’t know what to eat. With a limited number of points in a day I was at a bit of a loss, and the thing I find that makes it easier, is planning ahead. It’s difficult to start off with because it takes a while to build up your store cupboard with all the flavourings and weird new healthy food that you need for recipes, but after a while, it gets a bit easier, and soon it’s a part of your weekly routine. Think what you want for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What snacks you’ll want, and then find out what you need and add it to your shopping list. If you can prep and freeze; even better. It takes the stress out of meal decisions. Another problem that comes with dieting is when you eat out. Fortunately, a lot more places are adding healthy options to their menus and it really makes a difference but if you can get a look at a menu before you go then  you can plan ahead, and avoid the part that most other people find annoying; trying to find a low cal option while everyone’s waiting for you to decide.

 

Change your habits

One easy change to make is to eat from a smaller plate. It sounds like pointless, but I find it makes a difference. Eating from a smaller plate means you don’t have all that empty space surrounding your smaller portion and it means you don’t feel the need to fill it. As well as a smaller plate, drink more water. That way you don’t mistake thirst for hunger. Other pieces of advice I’ve been given are to eat at a table with no TV because when you’re distracted by television you’re not paying attention to your food and you shovel in more without realising. Also, it takes your body twenty minutes to realise your full so don’t be afraid to eat slowly or take breaks, and don't feel like you can never eat junk food again. If you cut out your favourites altogether (donuts for example) then you might find yourself quitting. I couldn't give up donuts forever, but I also know that eating them as often as I was wasn't healthy. Everything in moderation. That doesn't mean never again.

 

Find your motivation

It always seems easier to diet when you have a goal to achieve. A wedding, a holiday, anything with an endpoint and an achievement but even if you have nothing like those things to look forward to, you can create your own goals. I recently bought a dress for a writing event I was going to, and at the same time I bought one for upcoming Christmas meals and parties. The one for the writing event didn’t fit right. It was a little too tight which made it indecently short so I ended up wearing the Christmas party dress instead. Now the short, tight one is hanging on my wardrobe and it’s my first goal. To fit into that. If it happens by Christmas then great, if I don’t quite accomplish that then I’ll keep going till I do, but it’s a motivation to see this dress I love hanging up waiting for me to wear it. Another way is to reward yourself when reach milestones. Maybe you can put aside money for every pound you lose and then go shopping when you reach your goal weight. Or you can reward yourself at milestones. At your first half stone, or your first stone get your hair done, buy those shoes you want, get a tattoo, go drag racing. Whatever you want, but make a point of making that your reward and then it’s something to work toward.

 

Be healthy

This is my last and most important piece of advice. Dieting isn’t about starving yourself. Starting a new program is tough; understanding the program, what you can and can’t eat, pacing your points (or sins or calories: depending on which diet you do) throughout the day and week, but it should be balanced. You should be eating meals. If you’re looking for a lifestyle change that you can keep up then you need to find one that you can live with, that still let’s you enjoy food, that doesn’t harm you. Don’t starve yourself so you can binge. Don’t hurt your body to be thin. In my opinion the most important part of dieting, is to lose the weight healthily.

 

As I’ve already said, dieting is tough but one thing I get from going to a group is seeing how many people out there are doing the same thing. We’re trying to get healthy and it’s a constant support. People who are happy for you and encourage you when you lose a single pound, commiserate you when put on, advise you when you’re fed up and stuck. None of my friends are dieting so having this group makes a difference to me because they are the ones who understand my desire to be healthy and to feel better about myself that not everyone gets.

 

Whether you’re in a weight loss program, thinking about starting, or just reading this because you’re bored and it’s there… stay healthy and know we’re all struggling through this donut sacrifice together. 

 

Friday, 7 August 2020

Chronic Fatigue: The Parasite of Energy

 

Sometimes other people just suck the life right out of you. They make demands on you until your spirit is depleted.

 

This is where I’m at right now. Exhausted and battling to find the reserves to get through just one more day. And then I make it through that one, and I have to get through another. Crawling to the weekend so that I can finally have time and rest, to gather strength to get through another week.

 

It’s like my days are on a conveyor belt, dropping off the end into the aether, while I run in the opposite direction. Exhausted and getting nowhere.

 

This is what chronic fatigue is to me. In fact the symptoms of chronic fatigue are so similar to the symptoms I had when I had cancer that I can’t tell the difference, but because I work, because I have to keep trying, others don’t see or understand the pain in my body. I feel like I’m leaking petrol and any moment my engine is going to splutter to nothing. I feel like every footstep takes a mammoth effort, yet all I get for it are requests and demands. To try harder, to work more, to give my all.

 

Believe it or not; they’re getting my all, and it’s breaking me.

 

I want nothing more than to take pain killers and hide beneath my duvet sleeping. I’m tired. I’m tired all the time, and it makes me less patient, more snappish, less likely to put up with bullshit and drama because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have it in me to listen to life-suckers and those who only take.

 

Chronic fatigue is like a parasite, sucking the energy and spirit right out of me, and when it’s at its worst, it feels like I’ve been beaten. This is the aftermath of chemo years later.

 

My brain has stuff to do, a to-do list to get down, but my body won’t let me. I have plans to make, a future to build, yet I have to figure out how to do it with a body that won’t co-operate.

 

Chronic fatigue doesn’t mean a person feels a little bit tired, it doesn’t mean they’ve had a busy week, it means their body is broken, and just because they struggle along, they don’t give in, they fight against it, it doesn’t mean they’re not ill. And when they give into it, it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or weak.

 

Sometimes I have to crumble in order to build myself back up. That’s what chronic fatigue is to me.

 

 


Saturday, 1 August 2020

When Things Get You Down


Sometimes when life is beating on you, it can be hard to keep the optimism, and not let things get you down.

Emotional Wreck

Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t know what provoked it, I don’t know why it happened, but all of a sudden, I just found life intolerable. Sometimes this happens. It happens to us all. The truth of where I am in life hit me like a tsunami. I felt suffocated by the fact that as a woman in her thirties, I’m so financially wrecked that I have to live with my parents. I can’t afford to run my own home.

Independent but dependent

I’m a single woman, which means I’m at a stage in my life where I should be allowed to please myself. What I watch on TV, when I clean, what I do with my own time, but instead many of the best parts of being single are lost to me because I don’t have true independence. Because this house is not mine.

I like my independence, but when you depend on living with others in order to survive financially, it’s like having it stripped away against your will. Most of the time I can get by on the attitude of ‘it is what it is’ but not last week. Last week every little irritant bonded with my problems and they broke me down.

You have to feel it

I cried. I cried a lot. I hid under my duvet and I gave into the feelings of devastation that I’m not where I wished I was in life. I’m not even close.
Sometimes you don’t want to just buck up and get over it. Sometimes you don’t want to dust yourself off. You don’t want to cheer up.

Sometimes you have to give in, even if for a little while, and cry, sob, whine. Whatever you need to do to work through it.

That was then…

That was last week, and I’d be lying if I said that I was once again feeling motivated and was working full force towards what I want in life. No. I’m not. The impact of that day where I admitted that I’m not happy with where I am has stuck with me, and I still feel sad about it. I’m not as driven as I was because I can’t just shake off those feelings. I’m still trying to work through it, and that’s okay.

It’s taking me some time to pick myself up. I’m not a machine. I’m not sunshine. I’m human, and sometimes that means I feel sad. I’ll only feel better when I’m ready to.