Goodbye 2022

For me, if 2022 was a book in a series it would be the filler book that does nothing but set up for later stories. 

I feel like I did a lot, and achieved some things, but at the same time, have nothing to show for the year that we're about to leave behind. 

Maybe I'll hit the ground running when we get into 2023 or maybe I'll plod through the start, but mostly I don't want to be in the same place this time next year. I don't want to be stuck in this limbo that 2022 was trapped in. 

It doesn't mean there was no progress, but it's all behind the scenes and that makes it feel like it didn't happen. 

I know I'm moving forward, but sometimes it's hard to see when it happens so slowly, and it's easy to get disheartened. I'm clinging to motivation through the new year. 

Earn a Reward

One of the things I do is reward myself when I achieve a task, especially if it's a boring one. I'm not saying I buy myself a bottle of champagne for every little accomplishment, but even a little extra reading time, a nice drink, watching a movie. Whatever gets the job done. 

Break Up the Goal

Big things are easier to complete when broken up into smaller tasks, so that's what I do. I figure out what I want and then build the steps to reach it. I think looking at something like losing 3 stone in weight, or publishing a book can be intimidating when looked at, but starting small like getting into healthy habits or writing character profiles make is much more realistic. 

Why Do This?

Sometimes when I'm struggling or disheartened, I have to think about why I'm pushing myself. Why am I sitting at my computer two days after Christmas working when I could be doing something else? I visualise the end result. I need to know exactly what I want so that I can keep going. 

Prepared for Set-Backs 

The trajectory of success is never straightforward. I'm not shooting straight ahead. I falter, I get rejected, I make mistakes, and I do things wrong. Sometimes, I just straight out fail. I take time to feel bad about it, I cry, I complain and then I try again. 

Still Trying

2022 is on its way out and 2023 is coming which means I'm almost onto the next book of this series called life. 

If you liked this blog then take a look at some of my other sites, including my lifestyle blog. 

Break Time

Sometimes you just need a break, or you end up having a breakdown. 

I've been tired, I've been working and I've been preparing for Christmas, and so I found that these last couple of weeks something had to give, and that something was social media. I just needed to not worry about logging on, thinking about hashtags and what I could say to entertain. 

And I gave myself that rest, because I needed it. 

Obviously, I kept writing, even if not as much as I usually do, but there are times when the rejection, the thought of rejection and the possibility of rejection makes me not want to try, and so I wrote for fun, things that were just for me. I journaled, wrote poetry, and I worked a little on my WIP, but this was a vacation for me. One where I concentrated on Christmas excitement and focussed a little more on that. 

Now, I feel slightly rejuvenated, though still tired, and I'm ready to get back to work. 

Real Life Intrudes

 

I don't know about you, but as a writer I find the act of putting words onto paper or onto screen a cathartic expression.

I doesn't matter the subject, genre, or what form the writing takes. The very act of roaming in my mind, romping through my emotions and making it into something, has an almost therapeutic impact.

Unfortunately, sometimes, real life gets in the way. Writing is a major priority in my life, it’s an important aspect of who I am, but it is not the main source of my income. That comes from my day job. I’m not at the stage in my writing career where I can take the bet on myself and go all in, so for now, I need to find secure employment and that takes my free time away from writing.

The problem with this is, if I go too long without putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, I start to suffer from attacks of anxiety. Does that happen to anyone else?

I don’t always think about how important writing is to my life until I can’t do it. Usually, it’s just something I like to do, but as it turns out, it’s also my release. A place to escape to when I need it.

At the moment with the day job taking over, it feels as though real life is getting in the way. It’s a simple fact that when you’re in the process of building your creative career, when you have to work a day job, when your creative activity is not your primary money earner, there will be times it gets pushed out. Maybe you have to put more hours in at your day job, maybe you’re taking it home with you. Whatever’s going on, not being able to write is difficult.

Life is stressful enough, but now with the added pressure to bring in sustainable money, losing the one thing that eases my anxiety-ridden mind, is the hardest part of all.

 

When Things Get You Down

Sometimes when life is beating on you, it can be hard to keep the optimism, and not let things get you down.

Emotional Wreck

Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t know what provoked it, I don’t know why it happened, but all of a sudden, I just found life intolerable. Sometimes this happens. It happens to us all. The truth of where I am in life hit me like a tsunami. I felt suffocated by the fact that as a woman in her thirties, I’m so financially wrecked that I have to live with my parents. I can’t afford to run my own home.

Independent but dependent

I’m a single woman, which means I’m at a stage in my life where I should be allowed to please myself. What I watch on TV, when I clean, what I do with my own time, but instead many of the best parts of being single are lost to me because I don’t have true independence. Because this house is not mine.

I like my independence, but when you depend on living with others in order to survive financially, it’s like having it stripped away against your will. Most of the time I can get by on the attitude of ‘it is what it is’ but not last week. Last week every little irritant bonded with my problems and they broke me down.

You have to feel it

I cried. I cried a lot. I hid under my duvet and I gave into the feelings of devastation that I’m not where I wished I was in life. I’m not even close.

Sometimes you don’t want to just buck up and get over it. Sometimes you don’t want to dust yourself off. You don’t want to cheer up.

Sometimes you have to give in, even if for a little while, and cry, sob, whine. Whatever you need to do to work through it.

That was then…

That was last week, and I’d be lying if I said that I was once again feeling motivated and was working full force towards what I want in life. No. I’m not. The impact of that day where I admitted that I’m not happy with where I am has stuck with me, and I still feel sad about it. I’m not as driven as I was because I can’t just shake off those feelings. I’m still trying to work through it, and that’s okay.

It’s taking me some time to pick myself up. I’m not a machine. I’m not sunshine. I’m human, and sometimes that means I feel sad. I’ll only feel better when I’m ready to.

Lockdown Imagination

I’m lucky in this time of quarantine that my hobbies are so well suited to isolation.

Besides writing obviously, my current interests are visiting property websites to view houses I can’t afford, checking out cars I can’t afford, and researching fertility treatments I many never be able to afford.

If you’d asked me years ago where I saw myself at thirty-eight years old, this wasn’t it. This wasn’t even close. I thought I’d be a super-successful writer, married with kids and living in a house of my own.

Reality looks a little different. Not that there aren’t good things about being thirty-eight, single and living with my parents, but you know, it wasn’t exactly the dream.

The thing about being locked down at home, it gives a person time to think about what they want from life. A lot of time to think.

In my day job I’m classed as an essential worker, so I still go out to work, but all the other things have been removed, which like I said, is where my interests come in handy. I still know what I want out of life, and now all I do is think about it.

I have dreams of sitting on Butler’s Wharf, eating nice food, drinking wine and overlooking Tower Bridge, but mostly what I want is to be a writer and to have a family.

I guess when you concentrate a person’s thoughts, true desires burst forward. But mine are still at their core, what they have always been.

I want to write, I want a baby and a trip to London would be nice.

It’s April 22nd 2020!

It’s a pleasure to meet you!

I’m Kelly. I’m a British indie writer among other things. I have a day job, I have hobbies, and I have a dog.

Those are the basics. Those are a few things about me.

Today is my day off so I’m taking time to update all my socials, blogs and website, before I settle down for an afternoon and evening of writing romance.

Romance is my favourite genre to write. I like paranormal and scifi most of all, but I’m also partial to some contemporary. My current WIP is a shifter romance, which is in the editing phase and will hopefully be finished and ready for publication soon.

At the moment, in lockdown, I still go to work because I’m considered to be an essential worker, and then I come home, and I write. I also sew, knit, and cross-stitch. For my one hour of exercise as permitted by the UK government I walk my furbaby, avoiding people as best I can so as not to endanger anyone.

I sit in the garden to write a lot at the moment too. Partly because it’s a chance to be outside in the sun, and partly because my dog is really bossy and she makes me by barking until I give in. What can I say? I’m a crazy dog lady and she’s my baby.

For those of you who don’t know me, that’s a little intro from me to you.

Behind the Mask

When an introvert writer steps outside and learns about the promotional side of writing... I did not sign up for this.

Imaginary Friends

Being a writer always seemed like the perfect career to me. I'm an introvert, most comfortable in my own company, in my own home, with my dog and imaginary worlds to keep me company, so the idea that I could do this as a job was ideal. To sit at a computer and put words on paper - words that give others a chance to experience the exciting worlds and lives that inhabit my brain - was just what I was looking for.

What no one warned me about was that there's more to being a writer than writing. It sounds crazy, but it's true. There's a whole load of PR that comes with the job. Talking to strangers, putting yourself out there, trying to find your way into a community of people who all know each other and help each other, when your natural instinct is to blend in. It's like going to a masquerade and being forced to take off your mask.

I know I'm not alone in this discomfort. I've heard it mentioned a lot between us creative type people. That the social side of writing wasn't what they were prepared for. Over time I've grown better at faking my discomfort in person, but strangely, I still find myself socially awkward online.

It takes courage to step outside your comfort zone and that is something that is a constant battle for me. My natural instinct isn't to step forward, it isn't to bare my face, and there are times in my life when even my closest friends have struggled to understand my introverted tendencies and have called me miserable because in a large group I'm not the person who stands out. When other personalities overpower me, I grow quieter, and I wish I was at home.

Which is what makes the promotional side of writing such a challenge. I like talking to people, especially in the literary world, where we can discuss words and books and writing, and all the things I'm passionate about, but what I can't do is use those conversations to sell my work. It is a constant struggle; the line between promotion and conversation.

I've always been more comfortable with fiction than reality and there is a certain sense of security, writing books without giving too much of myself away. When I write I see through the eyes of my characters and it gives me an insight into other personalities but when it comes to the core of the matter, I still like to view things from the outside.

If I'd known writing wouldn't be as reclusive as I expected it to be, would I still do it? Absolutely! Because if all the uncomfortable moments, the awkwardness, the over-thinking are the price to create fantastical worlds and talk to like-minded people then I guess I can go to the ball and leave my mask at home.

For more of my blog posts or to read about my books visit my author website here.