Negative or Positive

 I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and as a result, my romance writing has taken a hit. 

Mission Get-a-House is going at a snail's pace, and at times it feels like it's never ever ever going to happen, but I'm trying not to let the negativity get me down. It does make me feel like I'm in limbo, though. Life is on hold. 

Invisible Income

I'm assuming it's invisible because it has to be somewhere. I'm not spending, yet there is very little money. Who knew it could just disappear into life? I budget, I track what I spend, but saving for a house seems to be going backwards.

Jumping Through Hoops

I'm doing everything that I'm told to do, I'm following all the rules, but I'm not moving forward at all. There are so many obstacles, and the home for my family and me is still out of reach. We just keep waiting. 

Not Giving Up

Despite all the problems and all the negatives, I'm trying to stay positive. I keep telling myself it will happen, even when it feels like it won't. It has to, though, right? We'll get our home sometime. We'll have our space one day. 

Council House? Yeah, Right...

I have no home but me - Anne Truitt

This blog post might sound like a bit of a rant, but it's not meant to be. It stems from frustration. I'm a writer with a day job, and more importantly, I'm a mother. I do content writing, fiction writing, and transcribing. I work in retail. I do what I can. 

What I don't have is a house of my own. As I've mentioned in a previous post, my current mission is to get a home for my little family. Honestly, though, it's not going well. Okay, that's an understatement. It's going terribly.

Council Housing

I've been on the list for council housing for a year and a half, and I haven't got a chance in hell of getting a home with them. I'm no closer than I was when I first went on the list. I bid every week, and my position is in the thirties every week. 

Council housing is like a lottery, only the odds are worse. It's frustrating as hell to continually try when it feels so futile.

Financial Realities

It's a sad truth that with all the different avenues for earning money, I still can't afford to buy a home. I could work an eighty-hour week, but at my minimum wage job, it wouldn't be enough to become a homeowner. 

It's not just me. There are many of us in the same position, and it doesn't matter how many coffee shops I walk by, how many coffees I don't buy, that won't change. Seriously, who is spending that much on coffee? 

What Can I Do?

Honestly, I have no idea. I save every spare penny. I'm frugal. I track every penny that I spend. It won't change anything, and I'm at a loss. Really, if anyone has any suggestions, then I'm all ears, because I don't have any clue what I can do, for me, my son and my dog to get a home. 

I said before that I haven't moved any further forward with this, but at least I haven't moved back, and that still stands. I guess I'll persevere. I'll keep playing the house lottery and I'll hope for the best, but it's a hopeless situation, and I can't see it changing. 

Was this ranty? I can't tell. I feel better anyway, after venting my frustrations. In this economy, at least I know I'm not alone. We're all in this together. 

If this didn't put you off reading my other blog posts, then take a look around or visit my author website.

It's Christmas Time

 It's Christmas time and this romance writer is ready for it. 

The decorations are up. Twinkling lights make the living room look warmer. I've done all my Christmas shopping. All that's left is to wait for the big day to arrive. 

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. The cosy nights at home with cinnamon candles, watching festive movies, wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle and even better if I can have a glass of wine - which isn't always possible with the early starts at my day job. If I can't though then luckily, I'm a hot chocolate enthusiast.

I had hoped to write a festive story for Christmas this year, but time really has flown by and taken me by surprise with how quickly Christmas has arrived, so hopefully next year I'll get the idea written down. 

Keep Writing

I've got lots of story ideas, including the second book in my new shifter series, so for 2023 I'm on a mission to write as much as possible. It's not a New Year's Resolution or anything like that. It's just a hope. A wish.

I always want to write more than I do, but obviously working at a day job alongside writing severely limits my time, but there will hopefully be some new paranormal romance stories and some new fun characters coming soon. 

What the New Year Brings...

I don't have any specific plans for New Year. I'm at work in the morning and then I think I'll mostly be chilling at home, but I do love the start of a new year. It feels like wiping the slate clean and starting from scratch. A fresh outlook, new motivation, new goals... 

I'll be writing to the very end of 2022 because I'm a writer and it's what I do, and when the clock strikes midnight, it's page one of a new year. 

If you like this blog, feel free to take a look at my other articles, or if you prefer you can visit my website here, for updates and news. 

Nine Months, Many Donuts

 

Okay, I admit it, I crumbled. I ate the donuts. It happened. I even had some muffins, some cupcakes, some chocolate, some beer. Oops.

I felt like a rebel and I ate cake. It was brilliant.

I think you can guess that the weight loss journey took a wrong turn. A massive wrong turn. I don’t know what happened, but I think I just reached a point where I’d had enough. I needed a break from the healthy eating diet, and I needed to eat some donuts. So, for a few weeks, that’s what I’ve done and in having this break from it, I’ve come to realise a few things:

Healthy eating is for life:

At least for me it has to be, because I am not responsible enough with food to be left unattended. I can easily live on takeaways, cakes, sweets and Dr Pepper and be entirely happy, but let’s be honest, even I know that every now and then you need to eat a vegetable, but once I start with the junk-food it’s hard to stop. Every day I eat more and more, and what this means is that I need the restraint of the healthy eating plan to reign in my gluttony.

 Square one isn’t far away:

I dropped from thirteen stone eight to eleven stone three. I went from the red section of obese on the BMI scale to the mix of green and yellow of the only just overweight, and then I gave into donuts and my weight crept back towards the red. It occurred to me if I carried on putting treats into my belly, it would be fun, but I’d be right back where I started and that would make the last nine months of building my will power and attending WW workshops completely redundant. I’d have wasted all the work I put into my diet. I’d be back at square one, and let me tell you, it won’t take long to get there.

 Food impacts health:

I know they say it, but I never really believed it, or maybe I did believe it, but I just thought donuts were worth it. I still kinda think that. But then I couldn’t sleep because of intense stomach cramps and I made the connection between what I was eating and how bad I was feeling. As well as the stomach cramps I was experiencing a shortness of breath much quicker after small bursts of activity and I was generally sluggish, which I admit some of which is down to chronic fatigue, but it’s much more extreme when dessert is the only food group going into my belly. Steroids and chemo messed up my body while they saved my life, but I notice the after-effects of those medicines have much less impact when I eat right.

Getting back on track was the hard part. I love food and I like it even more in large quantities, but I knew it was time to get my butt back in gear when my new jeans started to feel a little tight and when my cupboards were empty of anything healthy.

It was time to bring in the big guns.

I sought out my support system. I went to my WW workshop, surrounded myself with people in my boat. Those trying to change their lifestyle through diet. Some who are struggling like me and who can understand, those who are achieving their goals and can motivate, and my WW coach who can help me find my way again with her support.

 Because even if you’re doing a different diet plan, or if you’re trying to go it alone, or with a friend, there will be weeks when you struggle. Maybe you’ve been good all week and haven’t lost, maybe you just haven’t been able to get your head in it, maybe you don’t feel like it, maybe you’ve had a lot of fun nights out for dinner or drinks. That’s all okay.

In my opinion, a healthy lifestyle isn’t supposed to mean you give up your life to it. I don’t believe you’re supposed to be a perfect dieter. You’re supposed to do it however you need to do it, at your own pace, your own way with your own motivation.

The way I’m trying to get back into the healthy eating way of life is by thinking about why I started. The reason I made the choice to get healthy and lose weight.

My reason: Because I was unhappy. I felt like there was no point making an effort with clothes or my hair or makeup, because nothing looked nice on me. It was a foolish viewpoint, but it’s how I felt. I felt tired all the time and generally unhealthy. I was becoming more and more reluctant to go out. I knew my life needed to change and joining was step one in what will be a long journey, but it made a huge difference to my life.

That doesn’t mean I’m eating perfectly. It just means and trying, and for me, that’s enough.

 

My Body's Not Your Business

 

Have you ever gone up to an acquaintance and suggested they get plastic surgery to alter their appearance? Maybe a nose job, a face lift, liposuction? No? Me neither, because it’s rude, and pretty damn offensive.

 

Yet I’ve had four women, three of whom I only know a little, suggest that I have a breast reduction. Why? The only complaint I’ve ever made about my breast size is how difficult it is to shop for tops and dresses, which is an issue many women have. It’s why we try clothes on before we buy.

 

So, why are there women out there who think nothing of coming over to me and asking me why I don’t get a breast reduction?

 

I don’t suffer from back pain, I can lie comfortably on my front in bed, I don’t run so black eyes isn’t an issue. I’m eating healthy to lose weight, I’m a member of a weight loss group, and I’m not secure in my appearance, but whether the reason behind the comments is meant as helpful advice, bringing up the subject of cosmetic surgery in relation to my body, doesn’t help my mission for body-positivity.

 

However, since losing a stone and a half through dieting, I find myself growing more confident in the way I look now, but this time last year, I was so down on myself that I didn’t care how I dressed, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do anything with my hair. I couldn’t see the point, but making the changes to my lifestyle has had an impact on my mental and physical health.

 

It’s not just watching my weight go down, it’s feeling the difference to my fitness and my health. I’m not an athlete. I don’t go to the gym. I’m naturally a lazy person, but since eating healthy, the crawl towards physical acceptance has been slow but it is happening.

 

Then someone suggests a breast reduction and it knocks me back. For whatever reason people think it’s acceptable to comment on my body all the time. Walking down the street, out with my friends, in professional situations: My breasts have been commented on by mere acquaintances and perfect strangers alike.

 

I’ll talk comfortably with my friends, but if you’re coming up to suggest I get a breast reduction, then it’s not because of anything I’ve said, or how I feel. Those are your issues. I don’t know why some people are so concerned with my breast size, and I don’t want to know.

 

If it’s not your body, it’s not your business. Keep your opinions to yourself. 

One Small Step to Baby

Is IVF the slowest process in the world?

I spoke to my GP September 2020 and asked for a referral to my fertility clinic. It’s still ongoing. I think I’m finally at the latter side of the wait, but I’ve had all the necessary tests so there’s nothing left for me to do at the moment.

I was told to book an appointment, which I was to do online, so I did. It then said that there were none available, and I would receive a phone call within two weeks. No one phoned, so I called them and I’ve been told that my referral is being graded and someone should be in touch about an appointment.

It’s a frustratingly slow process, but at the same time, it gives me more of a chance to save money for the funding side of the process. IVF is shockingly expensive when It’s not available on the NHS, and obviously, as a single woman for me, it is not.

But every small step forward feels like an achievement and I’m excited to be moving forward, even if money is a huge question mark hanging over my head.

My Eggs are in the Freezer

When I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago, I was offered the chance to freeze my eggs before the treatment started.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too symptomatic at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t have night sweats, there were no lumps, just a general sense of fatigue and illness, and a doctor who listened when I said something was wrong, and because I wasn’t symptomatic, it meant they could take the time to freeze my egg.

As I take my first slow slow steps into the fertility journey, I’m so glad egg-freezing was offered to me, because as I’ve learned through the necessary tests for a fertility clinic referral, my ovulation isn’t what it should be. Obviously, there was some damage caused through chemotherapy.

Ten years ago, when I froze my eggs, I remember being anxious to start the chemo, but I’m glad I took the time for the process and I’m glad it was offered to me, even if it did make me ill. I injected myself with whatever they told me to, but I was overwhelmed with everything and, to be honest, at the time just wanted to get it done. I think there was a part of me that foolishly didn’t think I would need frozen eggs. Silly silly younger me.

I recall the day at the hospital to retrieve my eggs and chatting about baking as I laid there while they put a needle where no woman wants a needle to go. I didn’t feel anything though, and they assured me I made lots of eggs. Too many, judging by the sickness that followed.

Unfortunately, the process of egg-freezing and the many eggs I made mixed with the cancer all caused me a lot of sickness. This resulted in me going into hospital, which is where I was when my chemotherapy started and that was followed by pneumonia.

Now, ten years later, my eggs are in the freezer and it’s going to cost me a butt-load of money to use them but everything I went through, will be worth it, if the IVF works for me. It wasn’t an easy time, and I don’t have good memories of freezing eggs, but when I went for an open day at the clinic last year, we were given a tour and were shown the area the eggs are stored, and I’m glad to know they’re there.

 

 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Break Time

Sometimes you just need a break, or you end up having a breakdown. 

I've been tired, I've been working and I've been preparing for Christmas, and so I found that these last couple of weeks something had to give, and that something was social media. I just needed to not worry about logging on, thinking about hashtags and what I could say to entertain. 

And I gave myself that rest, because I needed it. 

Obviously, I kept writing, even if not as much as I usually do, but there are times when the rejection, the thought of rejection and the possibility of rejection makes me not want to try, and so I wrote for fun, things that were just for me. I journaled, wrote poetry, and I worked a little on my WIP, but this was a vacation for me. One where I concentrated on Christmas excitement and focussed a little more on that. 

Now, I feel slightly rejuvenated, though still tired, and I'm ready to get back to work. 

First Fertility Hurdle

 It's so hard to get going with the business of fertility when there's a pandemic going on.

I've been trying to make an appointment for the referral to the fertility clinic, but it's not considered to be an emergent case so I can't even get a phone appointment. The only option is to call every single day and hope they have a free space where they can fit me in.

I knew there would be set backs, I always knew this was going to be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be getting off the starting block. I didn't realise it would be so difficult to get the first appointment.

I see a long road ahead of me - an endlessly long road ahead - and it's not going to get any shorter if I don't get going.

I know this isn't the ideal time to be starting this journey, but I wanted to earlier in the year, but then this pandemic started, kicking us into full lockdown. If I keep waiting, I'll be a thousand years old.

I might be that old by the time I get a GP appointment.

 

 

Mission Fertility

Last October I went to an open day at a fertility hospital. They explained the process, the different treatments and took us on a tour of the facility. We even got a cuppa tea and a free pen.

The tour was something that wasn’t necessary for me, as eight years ago I was well acquainted with the building, because eight years ago I froze my eggs there, before starting Chemotherapy.

As for the res of the open day, it felt like a step towards a dream I’ve held inside for a long time. I learned what lays ahead of me, the obstacles I’ll have to face and the realistic possibility of joy or heartbreak.

Going through IVF isn’t the same as artificial insemination, and until I have fertility tests, I won’t know which path will be mine, but if IVF is the road I go down, then it’s not as simple as a few trips to the hospital.

In some regards, for me, it’s a lifestyle overhaul.

I’m lucky that I don’t smoke, and alcohol has never been an important thing in my life, so giving up those won’t be too difficult. My three most immediate challenges will be funding as IVF is an expensive process, time – given that I’m nearing forty, and lowering my BMI.

As far as financials go, I’m a single woman in my late thirties so there is not financial aid for me, and at £4000 a cycle, I don’t exactly have that in my savings.

As just stated, in growing ever closer to forty everyday which means there is a time limit ahead of me.

My third challenge: lowering my BMI. At the open day it was stated I would have to get my BMI below twenty-five, and at the moment it stands at 29.9.. That’s quite a ways to go.

My plan is budgeting, being frugal, exercise and weight watchers – or WW as it’s now known, but as I look ahead, I see an uphill battle, and it’s scary to state in actual words, what I want when I have no clear idea of how to get it.

I’m about to step into the dark, eerie forest, and I hope I come out on the other side with some realised dreams.

Real Life Intrudes

 

I don't know about you, but as a writer I find the act of putting words onto paper or onto screen a cathartic expression.

I doesn't matter the subject, genre, or what form the writing takes. The very act of roaming in my mind, romping through my emotions and making it into something, has an almost therapeutic impact.

Unfortunately, sometimes, real life gets in the way. Writing is a major priority in my life, it’s an important aspect of who I am, but it is not the main source of my income. That comes from my day job. I’m not at the stage in my writing career where I can take the bet on myself and go all in, so for now, I need to find secure employment and that takes my free time away from writing.

The problem with this is, if I go too long without putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, I start to suffer from attacks of anxiety. Does that happen to anyone else?

I don’t always think about how important writing is to my life until I can’t do it. Usually, it’s just something I like to do, but as it turns out, it’s also my release. A place to escape to when I need it.

At the moment with the day job taking over, it feels as though real life is getting in the way. It’s a simple fact that when you’re in the process of building your creative career, when you have to work a day job, when your creative activity is not your primary money earner, there will be times it gets pushed out. Maybe you have to put more hours in at your day job, maybe you’re taking it home with you. Whatever’s going on, not being able to write is difficult.

Life is stressful enough, but now with the added pressure to bring in sustainable money, losing the one thing that eases my anxiety-ridden mind, is the hardest part of all.

 

Six Weeks, No Donuts

 

I was irrationally nervous as I prepared to start Weight Watchers.

 

I’ve done it before and it’s a program that’s always worked for me, I also had a fair idea of what my weight would be, so I don’t know why I had butterflies as I logged onto the website.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as a massively overweight person even as my BMI called me obese, but I didn’t feel healthy either.

 

I struggle with certain health problems because of having stupid cancer a few years ago. As much as the chemotherapy saved my life, it left behind a mark. With scar tissue, stomach issues and chronic fatigue that on their worst day can emulate the symptoms I had with cancer, leading to some scary thoughts and panicked paranoia, I was never looking for miracles by losing weight.

 

But I also knew that when I crazy-danced (putting on music and dancing all crazy) I could only last about two songs, and when I chased my dog around my parents’ small garden I could only do one lap, and running up the stairs…? Yeah, that was never an actual run. Those were things that I knew were affected by my heavy weight.

 

So, on a whim I looked up my local weight watchers and announced I was starting.

 

The first week was difficult. Learning about the programme, giving up the binge eating, and I admit that I’ve slipped up a few times, and because of that, I’m off to a slow start, but the weight is leaving me, and that makes the donut sacrifice.

 

I’m proud of my achievement so far because when I’ve tried dieting alone in the past, I inevitably sneak junk food and the diet doesn’t work.

 

I’m in the very early stages of my weight loss journey and I miss donuts like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m doing my best to stay motivated. I’m no expert about dieting, I’m learning what works for my body and I’m doing my best, but based on the last few weeks, here are my tips on getting started:

 

 

Do it for yourself

I don’t care what anyone says, losing weight is not easy. Making the decision to go on a diet and stick to it is not easy. There will be weeks when you do everything right and the best result is to maintain your current weight, there will be weeks when someone tells you how much food they ate and they lose four pounds, there will be people who lose it quicker than you, people who reach goals faster than you. For some the weight will drop off, for others it’s slow, painful progress. And that is why you have to do it for yourself. Because if there is some outside influence provoking you and it’s not something you need or want then it will be that much harder. Every pound you drop is something to be proud of. It’s a goal achieved. You’ll feel it so much deeper if you really want it.

 

 Exercise (ugh)

I hate exercising. It sucks. I find no pleasure in trying to get fit. So, my advice to you is do something that you can find enjoyment in. I’m, at heart, a lazy person so you’re unlikely to find me running or at the gym, so for my exercise (ugh) I walk the dog and I dance. And I don’t mean dance class. I get some music going and I dance until I’m tired. Usually with the dog jumping at my feet because she thinks it’s a game. Like I said, I’m lazy so I might not be the best person to offer advice on this but, hey, thirty minutes to an hour of walking has got to be better than thirty minutes to an hour watching TV dreaming of donuts.

 

Plan your meals

When I started weight watchers I found it difficult, not just the cutting down on all my favourite food part, but I didn’t know what to eat. With a limited number of points in a day I was at a bit of a loss, and the thing I find that makes it easier, is planning ahead. It’s difficult to start off with because it takes a while to build up your store cupboard with all the flavourings and weird new healthy food that you need for recipes, but after a while, it gets a bit easier, and soon it’s a part of your weekly routine. Think what you want for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What snacks you’ll want, and then find out what you need and add it to your shopping list. If you can prep and freeze; even better. It takes the stress out of meal decisions. Another problem that comes with dieting is when you eat out. Fortunately, a lot more places are adding healthy options to their menus and it really makes a difference but if you can get a look at a menu before you go then  you can plan ahead, and avoid the part that most other people find annoying; trying to find a low cal option while everyone’s waiting for you to decide.

 

Change your habits

One easy change to make is to eat from a smaller plate. It sounds like pointless, but I find it makes a difference. Eating from a smaller plate means you don’t have all that empty space surrounding your smaller portion and it means you don’t feel the need to fill it. As well as a smaller plate, drink more water. That way you don’t mistake thirst for hunger. Other pieces of advice I’ve been given are to eat at a table with no TV because when you’re distracted by television you’re not paying attention to your food and you shovel in more without realising. Also, it takes your body twenty minutes to realise your full so don’t be afraid to eat slowly or take breaks, and don't feel like you can never eat junk food again. If you cut out your favourites altogether (donuts for example) then you might find yourself quitting. I couldn't give up donuts forever, but I also know that eating them as often as I was wasn't healthy. Everything in moderation. That doesn't mean never again.

 

Find your motivation

It always seems easier to diet when you have a goal to achieve. A wedding, a holiday, anything with an endpoint and an achievement but even if you have nothing like those things to look forward to, you can create your own goals. I recently bought a dress for a writing event I was going to, and at the same time I bought one for upcoming Christmas meals and parties. The one for the writing event didn’t fit right. It was a little too tight which made it indecently short so I ended up wearing the Christmas party dress instead. Now the short, tight one is hanging on my wardrobe and it’s my first goal. To fit into that. If it happens by Christmas then great, if I don’t quite accomplish that then I’ll keep going till I do, but it’s a motivation to see this dress I love hanging up waiting for me to wear it. Another way is to reward yourself when reach milestones. Maybe you can put aside money for every pound you lose and then go shopping when you reach your goal weight. Or you can reward yourself at milestones. At your first half stone, or your first stone get your hair done, buy those shoes you want, get a tattoo, go drag racing. Whatever you want, but make a point of making that your reward and then it’s something to work toward.

 

Be healthy

This is my last and most important piece of advice. Dieting isn’t about starving yourself. Starting a new program is tough; understanding the program, what you can and can’t eat, pacing your points (or sins or calories: depending on which diet you do) throughout the day and week, but it should be balanced. You should be eating meals. If you’re looking for a lifestyle change that you can keep up then you need to find one that you can live with, that still let’s you enjoy food, that doesn’t harm you. Don’t starve yourself so you can binge. Don’t hurt your body to be thin. In my opinion the most important part of dieting, is to lose the weight healthily.

 

As I’ve already said, dieting is tough but one thing I get from going to a group is seeing how many people out there are doing the same thing. We’re trying to get healthy and it’s a constant support. People who are happy for you and encourage you when you lose a single pound, commiserate you when put on, advise you when you’re fed up and stuck. None of my friends are dieting so having this group makes a difference to me because they are the ones who understand my desire to be healthy and to feel better about myself that not everyone gets.

 

Whether you’re in a weight loss program, thinking about starting, or just reading this because you’re bored and it’s there… stay healthy and know we’re all struggling through this donut sacrifice together. 

 

Chronic Fatigue: The Parasite of Energy

 

Sometimes other people just suck the life right out of you. They make demands on you until your spirit is depleted.

 

This is where I’m at right now. Exhausted and battling to find the reserves to get through just one more day. And then I make it through that one, and I have to get through another. Crawling to the weekend so that I can finally have time and rest, to gather strength to get through another week.

 

It’s like my days are on a conveyor belt, dropping off the end into the aether, while I run in the opposite direction. Exhausted and getting nowhere.

 

This is what chronic fatigue is to me. In fact the symptoms of chronic fatigue are so similar to the symptoms I had when I had cancer that I can’t tell the difference, but because I work, because I have to keep trying, others don’t see or understand the pain in my body. I feel like I’m leaking petrol and any moment my engine is going to splutter to nothing. I feel like every footstep takes a mammoth effort, yet all I get for it are requests and demands. To try harder, to work more, to give my all.

 

Believe it or not; they’re getting my all, and it’s breaking me.

 

I want nothing more than to take pain killers and hide beneath my duvet sleeping. I’m tired. I’m tired all the time, and it makes me less patient, more snappish, less likely to put up with bullshit and drama because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have it in me to listen to life-suckers and those who only take.

 

Chronic fatigue is like a parasite, sucking the energy and spirit right out of me, and when it’s at its worst, it feels like I’ve been beaten. This is the aftermath of chemo years later.

 

My brain has stuff to do, a to-do list to get down, but my body won’t let me. I have plans to make, a future to build, yet I have to figure out how to do it with a body that won’t co-operate.

 

Chronic fatigue doesn’t mean a person feels a little bit tired, it doesn’t mean they’ve had a busy week, it means their body is broken, and just because they struggle along, they don’t give in, they fight against it, it doesn’t mean they’re not ill. And when they give into it, it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or weak.

 

Sometimes I have to crumble in order to build myself back up. That’s what chronic fatigue is to me.

 

 

When Things Get You Down

Sometimes when life is beating on you, it can be hard to keep the optimism, and not let things get you down.

Emotional Wreck

Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t know what provoked it, I don’t know why it happened, but all of a sudden, I just found life intolerable. Sometimes this happens. It happens to us all. The truth of where I am in life hit me like a tsunami. I felt suffocated by the fact that as a woman in her thirties, I’m so financially wrecked that I have to live with my parents. I can’t afford to run my own home.

Independent but dependent

I’m a single woman, which means I’m at a stage in my life where I should be allowed to please myself. What I watch on TV, when I clean, what I do with my own time, but instead many of the best parts of being single are lost to me because I don’t have true independence. Because this house is not mine.

I like my independence, but when you depend on living with others in order to survive financially, it’s like having it stripped away against your will. Most of the time I can get by on the attitude of ‘it is what it is’ but not last week. Last week every little irritant bonded with my problems and they broke me down.

You have to feel it

I cried. I cried a lot. I hid under my duvet and I gave into the feelings of devastation that I’m not where I wished I was in life. I’m not even close.

Sometimes you don’t want to just buck up and get over it. Sometimes you don’t want to dust yourself off. You don’t want to cheer up.

Sometimes you have to give in, even if for a little while, and cry, sob, whine. Whatever you need to do to work through it.

That was then…

That was last week, and I’d be lying if I said that I was once again feeling motivated and was working full force towards what I want in life. No. I’m not. The impact of that day where I admitted that I’m not happy with where I am has stuck with me, and I still feel sad about it. I’m not as driven as I was because I can’t just shake off those feelings. I’m still trying to work through it, and that’s okay.

It’s taking me some time to pick myself up. I’m not a machine. I’m not sunshine. I’m human, and sometimes that means I feel sad. I’ll only feel better when I’m ready to.

I'm a Writer! What are you?

I was nineteen when I made the decision to follow my dreams and become a writer.

I'm still waiting for my dreams to make the same choice about me, but apparently, they work a little slower than I do. 

Now I'm a writer with a day job and no one can tell me that’s not a challenge. Balancing the responsibilities of real life, while finding time for my real love is the true test of time and over the last *cough* eighteen *cough* years, the worlds that exist inside my head have kicked this world’s ass.

I’ve sacrificed nights out, time with friends, career prospects. I’ve hidden myself away, putting fictional worlds onto paper while the real one passed me by, because I am a writer, and that meant sacrifice, and I’m sure it’s a trait that many creative people share. Writers, artists, designers, chefs… Hands up if you have a tendency to put creativity first. Hands up if you prioritise work, and not the work that may earn the money, but the one that infuses your soul.

As 2019 raced by, with my writing career stalled, my social life wilted from lack of use, and my love life as vibrant as a fading ghost, I knew I had to make a change.

The problem was that I already made the decision to be a writer years before, so for me, there is no plan b. Perhaps for you there isn’t either. I can’t turn off the story ideas, the characters who talk to me, the plot bunnies who hop through my imaginary gardens, and if I tried, they’d explode out of me and I’d spout flash fiction and limericks at anyone who came within earshot. I’d be unbearable. Even more than I usually am, as a regular, struggling author.

For others, the distraction may come in a different way, but I’d wager that no matter how you express your creativity, it’s always there, waiting to pounce the second you have something else to do, because that’s how the little bugger that disguises itself as talent works. It waits until you can’t make the most of it, and then it surges forward.

So, if shutting off the inner worlds isn’t an option then I’ll have to find a way to coincide fiction with reality. I need an alternative method for a symbiotic life. The question is how? And if anyone has answers to that, feel free to let me know, because that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Once life returns to some form of normal, my mission is to build a writing career alongside a day job and some kind of social life. (Tell me I’m not asking for miracles over here.) I’ll be figuring it out as I go. Feel free to join me. I’ve got Facebook, Twitter and Instagram set up, so anyone who wants to keep me company can follow along.

We can create together and manoeuvre through the maze that is the real world, which as an introvert, isn’t easy for the type of person I am. For a little while at least, I’m going to step a toe outside of my sparkly writing cave and see what all the fuss is about out there.

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We just have a pandemic to get through first.

I'm an Introvert: Accept Me!

I’m not an assertive person. Socially awkward are the words that describe me. I don’t stand out in a group, I don’t always know how to act or what to say, and in many social situations I feel uncomfortable.

I’ve learned over time, that this gives people the idea that I’m weak. I’m not! Because I try to get along with everyone and I try not to put my bad mood on others, it makes some people think that bad things have never happened to me or that I’m not always aware of the realities of life. They are wrong.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean I’m not intelligent. It doesn’t mean I’m a doormat. It doesn’t mean I need you to tell me how to dress or what to say or how to act. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid or naïve. It doesn’t mean I need to be coddled or that you should warn the people who you introduce me to that I’m awkward. It doesn’t mean you can say what you want to me no matter how offensive or cruel.

My life may be different to yours, but I’m not irrelevant because I’m single or because I’m at peace in my own company, and I don’t need you to step into my life and instruct me how to live it as you see it should be lived. I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t need a hero.

I’m not happy every second of my life. I feel discontent. I feel ambition. I feel hope. Desire. Love. Affection. Anger. Insecurity. Concern. Nerves. Fury. Irritation. I feel every human emotion that you feel.

I’m a grown-ass woman with adult responsibilities. I’m not a child who needs to be told how to act, and whose life choices should be demeaned because they weren’t the same as yours, and just because I don’t like confrontation doesn’t mean I won’t rise to it when you think you can control me.

These are some of the issues I’ve experience most of my life. Because I’m not always comfortable in certain situations, it makes others think less of me, and it’s something that has come up many times throughout my life. Work environments have been the worst, but there have also been friends who thought they could control me.

Being an introvert isn’t synonymous with being weak. Being content in my own company isn’t the same as loneliness.

I’m beyond grateful for my family. They’re the people in my life who can accept me without calling me miserable because I’m quiet when I’m overwhelmed. I love the ones who offer me help without condescension. I appreciate those who stand at my side no matter what, because they like who I am.

I’ll never feel comfortable in a group, I’ll never be the one to shine, but I don’t see this as something that needs to be altered. I’m content to blend in. I like that about myself. I’m happy that I find serenity by myself.

If you have an introvert in your life, then please remember:

Don’t try to fix us. We’re not broken.

Don’t try to dominate us. We’re not weak.

Don’t try to patronise us. We’re not stupid.

Accept us as we are.

Remember outside? Me too.

I am an introvert. I’ve always been happiest at home, but even I am getting to the point where it would be nice to go somewhere. For an ice cream or a frappe. Hell, I’d settle for a walk around a garden centre.

Of course, my day-dreaming mind always takes me to London. It’s the perfect day for wandering the sights of the city, stopping for an iced coffee or a beer, walking along the river and eating outside at a riverside restaurant. Maybe drinking a bit more wine, followed by more coffee. I am a writer after all.

Mostly, I just miss the freedom to go anywhere, even knowing if I had the freedom, I’d probably still be in my garden.

I understand the lockdown and I agree with it, and it’s times like these I’m happy to have my busy imagination, because as I sit at my garden table, I can sip wine and imagine I’m in London or in Whitby, sitting in a café that overlooks a river or the sea, and I can imagine a time I will be there in reality.

In isolation imagination is key.

In isolation take to your daydreams.

Lockdown Imagination

I’m lucky in this time of quarantine that my hobbies are so well suited to isolation.

Besides writing obviously, my current interests are visiting property websites to view houses I can’t afford, checking out cars I can’t afford, and researching fertility treatments I many never be able to afford.

If you’d asked me years ago where I saw myself at thirty-eight years old, this wasn’t it. This wasn’t even close. I thought I’d be a super-successful writer, married with kids and living in a house of my own.

Reality looks a little different. Not that there aren’t good things about being thirty-eight, single and living with my parents, but you know, it wasn’t exactly the dream.

The thing about being locked down at home, it gives a person time to think about what they want from life. A lot of time to think.

In my day job I’m classed as an essential worker, so I still go out to work, but all the other things have been removed, which like I said, is where my interests come in handy. I still know what I want out of life, and now all I do is think about it.

I have dreams of sitting on Butler’s Wharf, eating nice food, drinking wine and overlooking Tower Bridge, but mostly what I want is to be a writer and to have a family.

I guess when you concentrate a person’s thoughts, true desires burst forward. But mine are still at their core, what they have always been.

I want to write, I want a baby and a trip to London would be nice.

Behind the Mask

When an introvert writer steps outside and learns about the promotional side of writing... I did not sign up for this.

Imaginary Friends

Being a writer always seemed like the perfect career to me. I'm an introvert, most comfortable in my own company, in my own home, with my dog and imaginary worlds to keep me company, so the idea that I could do this as a job was ideal. To sit at a computer and put words on paper - words that give others a chance to experience the exciting worlds and lives that inhabit my brain - was just what I was looking for.

What no one warned me about was that there's more to being a writer than writing. It sounds crazy, but it's true. There's a whole load of PR that comes with the job. Talking to strangers, putting yourself out there, trying to find your way into a community of people who all know each other and help each other, when your natural instinct is to blend in. It's like going to a masquerade and being forced to take off your mask.

I know I'm not alone in this discomfort. I've heard it mentioned a lot between us creative type people. That the social side of writing wasn't what they were prepared for. Over time I've grown better at faking my discomfort in person, but strangely, I still find myself socially awkward online.

It takes courage to step outside your comfort zone and that is something that is a constant battle for me. My natural instinct isn't to step forward, it isn't to bare my face, and there are times in my life when even my closest friends have struggled to understand my introverted tendencies and have called me miserable because in a large group I'm not the person who stands out. When other personalities overpower me, I grow quieter, and I wish I was at home.

Which is what makes the promotional side of writing such a challenge. I like talking to people, especially in the literary world, where we can discuss words and books and writing, and all the things I'm passionate about, but what I can't do is use those conversations to sell my work. It is a constant struggle; the line between promotion and conversation.

I've always been more comfortable with fiction than reality and there is a certain sense of security, writing books without giving too much of myself away. When I write I see through the eyes of my characters and it gives me an insight into other personalities but when it comes to the core of the matter, I still like to view things from the outside.

If I'd known writing wouldn't be as reclusive as I expected it to be, would I still do it? Absolutely! Because if all the uncomfortable moments, the awkwardness, the over-thinking are the price to create fantastical worlds and talk to like-minded people then I guess I can go to the ball and leave my mask at home.

For more of my blog posts or to read about my books visit my author website here.