Tomorrow is Another Day

Life has fallen into a routine. I work, I take my little boy to his activities, I give him his meals, we play, and then it's bedtime. It doesn't give me a whole hell of a lot to write about. I'm an introvert, and mostly, I like being lazy at home, but it would be nice to mix it up every now and then. 

Routine or Rut

They always look alike to me. When does your daily life become something that needs to be changed? Is it when you're bored with it? When your ambition starts flagging? When it's financially not enough? What are the markings of a rut? 

My Happy Place

If I'm in a rut, I might not get out of it because my happy place is at home with my little boy and my dog, and there's never anywhere I'd rather be. Pyjamas are the best clothes, junk food is the best food, and the sofa is the comfiest place to sit. Why would I want to leave all that?

Ambition

I do, however, still have goals to achieve, and it might be time to put the doughnuts down, dress in some outdoor clothes and do what I can to achieve them. I can still be lazy in between, though, right? So, maybe this is a rut, and even though I'm okay with being in one, I might have to climb my way out. 

If you enjoyed reading this short post, then take a look at some of the others or head over to my website for book updates. 

Negative or Positive

 I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and as a result, my romance writing has taken a hit. 

Mission Get-a-House is going at a snail's pace, and at times it feels like it's never ever ever going to happen, but I'm trying not to let the negativity get me down. It does make me feel like I'm in limbo, though. Life is on hold. 

Invisible Income

I'm assuming it's invisible because it has to be somewhere. I'm not spending, yet there is very little money. Who knew it could just disappear into life? I budget, I track what I spend, but saving for a house seems to be going backwards.

Jumping Through Hoops

I'm doing everything that I'm told to do, I'm following all the rules, but I'm not moving forward at all. There are so many obstacles, and the home for my family and me is still out of reach. We just keep waiting. 

Not Giving Up

Despite all the problems and all the negatives, I'm trying to stay positive. I keep telling myself it will happen, even when it feels like it won't. It has to, though, right? We'll get our home sometime. We'll have our space one day. 

Council House? Yeah, Right...

I have no home but me - Anne Truitt

This blog post might sound like a bit of a rant, but it's not meant to be. It stems from frustration. I'm a writer with a day job, and more importantly, I'm a mother. I do content writing, fiction writing, and transcribing. I work in retail. I do what I can. 

What I don't have is a house of my own. As I've mentioned in a previous post, my current mission is to get a home for my little family. Honestly, though, it's not going well. Okay, that's an understatement. It's going terribly.

Council Housing

I've been on the list for council housing for a year and a half, and I haven't got a chance in hell of getting a home with them. I'm no closer than I was when I first went on the list. I bid every week, and my position is in the thirties every week. 

Council housing is like a lottery, only the odds are worse. It's frustrating as hell to continually try when it feels so futile.

Financial Realities

It's a sad truth that with all the different avenues for earning money, I still can't afford to buy a home. I could work an eighty-hour week, but at my minimum wage job, it wouldn't be enough to become a homeowner. 

It's not just me. There are many of us in the same position, and it doesn't matter how many coffee shops I walk by, how many coffees I don't buy, that won't change. Seriously, who is spending that much on coffee? 

What Can I Do?

Honestly, I have no idea. I save every spare penny. I'm frugal. I track every penny that I spend. It won't change anything, and I'm at a loss. Really, if anyone has any suggestions, then I'm all ears, because I don't have any clue what I can do, for me, my son and my dog to get a home. 

I said before that I haven't moved any further forward with this, but at least I haven't moved back, and that still stands. I guess I'll persevere. I'll keep playing the house lottery and I'll hope for the best, but it's a hopeless situation, and I can't see it changing. 

Was this ranty? I can't tell. I feel better anyway, after venting my frustrations. In this economy, at least I know I'm not alone. We're all in this together. 

If this didn't put you off reading my other blog posts, then take a look around or visit my author website.

This is Not a New Year's Resolution

It's a goal.

I'm not actually setting any New Year's Resolutions this year. If I was then I'd be a bit late, given that it's February now. But what I am doing is setting a target to reach and then I have a point in my mind to reach where I can review and plan. 

Previously in the Life of a Romance Writer 

When I decided I wanted to try for a baby, I did everything that was within my power to work for it. I did whatever I could to get him. I lost weight, ate foods that had nutrients that increased my chances, I earned money and saved it to pay for treatment. Every penny that came from writing was saved for IVF. It wasn't always easy and it took many years, not just one, but I got my little man and he's beautiful, bright and stubborn. My little big man. 

What's Next?

Next, my goal is to get us a safe and comfortable home where the three of us can settle and live. Me, baby and dog. We want our own house. I don't care much if I own it or if it's a rental, but I want somewhere permanent for us, with our belongings and our furniture. That's my next mission. 

Throw Everything at It Again

There was nothing easy about IVF but I did love the time I put into it. The difference with this goal is that my priorities will be different. Or actually, they'll be the same. For IVF, my baby was my priority, and obviously, he still is, which means my time isn't my own. I might not be able to dedicate the same time to getting us a home, as I did to getting my baby. 

But whatever time I can scrape together needs to be for that, and any money I earn needs to be saved for that. No frivolous spending. 

The steps for getting our own home aren't quite as elaborate as going through IVF. Basically, there is just one. Money. It's the only real obstacle in my way. 

Time to Work

I'm going to have to be resourceful with my time, but I'm also going to have to gather energy from somewhere to shake off the tiredness from sleepless nights that are coming at the moment with having a one year old. But I'll do it. Because I want my baby and furbaby to be in our home as soon as possible. 

If you enjoyed reading this article then you can find others like it by taking a look around this site, or by visiting my other. 

Don't Be a Fool

Today is April Fool’s Day! I should probably play a prank on you but I’m not going to.

The Downside 

As someone who was bullied at school, pranks aren’t something I’m ever a fan of. I’ve had a lot of cruel tricks played on me that were passed off as a joke, meaning if I didn’t laugh along with them, then I was uptight or miserable.

 

But what’s so funny about humiliating someone or making them look like a fool? Is there anyone who really enjoys April Fool’s Day?

 

You Do You

I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade. If you’re in a social circle where this is something you like, then sure, go nuts, prank your friends, but otherwise, my one piece of advice is to think before you trick.

 

Don’t go into it blindly, thinking that everyone will find it hilarious. Are you doing it for the right reason or is your motive a little meaner than you realise? Can the target of your prank handle everyone laughing at them or are you just tearing someone down who is already low? Are you in the right environment for the type of April Fool’s jest you’re planning?

 

Just think about it first. There was a time in my life when someone playing an April Fool’s joke on me would have torn me down, and even now I suspect I would wonder why the person chose me to trick? Because they don’t like me or because they think I’m fun?

Happy April Fool's Day

Like I said, I’m not there to destroy the parts of the day people find fun. I’m just here to advise that you ensure you’re all on the same page.

But if everyone you know and plan to play a trick on is down with pranking, then have yourself an excellent April Fool's Day. 

If you liked this article then take a look at some of my other posts or visit my website. 

It's Christmas Time

 It's Christmas time and this romance writer is ready for it. 

The decorations are up. Twinkling lights make the living room look warmer. I've done all my Christmas shopping. All that's left is to wait for the big day to arrive. 

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. The cosy nights at home with cinnamon candles, watching festive movies, wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle and even better if I can have a glass of wine - which isn't always possible with the early starts at my day job. If I can't though then luckily, I'm a hot chocolate enthusiast.

I had hoped to write a festive story for Christmas this year, but time really has flown by and taken me by surprise with how quickly Christmas has arrived, so hopefully next year I'll get the idea written down. 

Keep Writing

I've got lots of story ideas, including the second book in my new shifter series, so for 2023 I'm on a mission to write as much as possible. It's not a New Year's Resolution or anything like that. It's just a hope. A wish.

I always want to write more than I do, but obviously working at a day job alongside writing severely limits my time, but there will hopefully be some new paranormal romance stories and some new fun characters coming soon. 

What the New Year Brings...

I don't have any specific plans for New Year. I'm at work in the morning and then I think I'll mostly be chilling at home, but I do love the start of a new year. It feels like wiping the slate clean and starting from scratch. A fresh outlook, new motivation, new goals... 

I'll be writing to the very end of 2022 because I'm a writer and it's what I do, and when the clock strikes midnight, it's page one of a new year. 

If you like this blog, feel free to take a look at my other articles, or if you prefer you can visit my website here, for updates and news. 

Nine Months, Many Donuts

 

Okay, I admit it, I crumbled. I ate the donuts. It happened. I even had some muffins, some cupcakes, some chocolate, some beer. Oops.

I felt like a rebel and I ate cake. It was brilliant.

I think you can guess that the weight loss journey took a wrong turn. A massive wrong turn. I don’t know what happened, but I think I just reached a point where I’d had enough. I needed a break from the healthy eating diet, and I needed to eat some donuts. So, for a few weeks, that’s what I’ve done and in having this break from it, I’ve come to realise a few things:

Healthy eating is for life:

At least for me it has to be, because I am not responsible enough with food to be left unattended. I can easily live on takeaways, cakes, sweets and Dr Pepper and be entirely happy, but let’s be honest, even I know that every now and then you need to eat a vegetable, but once I start with the junk-food it’s hard to stop. Every day I eat more and more, and what this means is that I need the restraint of the healthy eating plan to reign in my gluttony.

 Square one isn’t far away:

I dropped from thirteen stone eight to eleven stone three. I went from the red section of obese on the BMI scale to the mix of green and yellow of the only just overweight, and then I gave into donuts and my weight crept back towards the red. It occurred to me if I carried on putting treats into my belly, it would be fun, but I’d be right back where I started and that would make the last nine months of building my will power and attending WW workshops completely redundant. I’d have wasted all the work I put into my diet. I’d be back at square one, and let me tell you, it won’t take long to get there.

 Food impacts health:

I know they say it, but I never really believed it, or maybe I did believe it, but I just thought donuts were worth it. I still kinda think that. But then I couldn’t sleep because of intense stomach cramps and I made the connection between what I was eating and how bad I was feeling. As well as the stomach cramps I was experiencing a shortness of breath much quicker after small bursts of activity and I was generally sluggish, which I admit some of which is down to chronic fatigue, but it’s much more extreme when dessert is the only food group going into my belly. Steroids and chemo messed up my body while they saved my life, but I notice the after-effects of those medicines have much less impact when I eat right.

Getting back on track was the hard part. I love food and I like it even more in large quantities, but I knew it was time to get my butt back in gear when my new jeans started to feel a little tight and when my cupboards were empty of anything healthy.

It was time to bring in the big guns.

I sought out my support system. I went to my WW workshop, surrounded myself with people in my boat. Those trying to change their lifestyle through diet. Some who are struggling like me and who can understand, those who are achieving their goals and can motivate, and my WW coach who can help me find my way again with her support.

 Because even if you’re doing a different diet plan, or if you’re trying to go it alone, or with a friend, there will be weeks when you struggle. Maybe you’ve been good all week and haven’t lost, maybe you just haven’t been able to get your head in it, maybe you don’t feel like it, maybe you’ve had a lot of fun nights out for dinner or drinks. That’s all okay.

In my opinion, a healthy lifestyle isn’t supposed to mean you give up your life to it. I don’t believe you’re supposed to be a perfect dieter. You’re supposed to do it however you need to do it, at your own pace, your own way with your own motivation.

The way I’m trying to get back into the healthy eating way of life is by thinking about why I started. The reason I made the choice to get healthy and lose weight.

My reason: Because I was unhappy. I felt like there was no point making an effort with clothes or my hair or makeup, because nothing looked nice on me. It was a foolish viewpoint, but it’s how I felt. I felt tired all the time and generally unhealthy. I was becoming more and more reluctant to go out. I knew my life needed to change and joining was step one in what will be a long journey, but it made a huge difference to my life.

That doesn’t mean I’m eating perfectly. It just means and trying, and for me, that’s enough.

 

My Body's Not Your Business

 

Have you ever gone up to an acquaintance and suggested they get plastic surgery to alter their appearance? Maybe a nose job, a face lift, liposuction? No? Me neither, because it’s rude, and pretty damn offensive.

 

Yet I’ve had four women, three of whom I only know a little, suggest that I have a breast reduction. Why? The only complaint I’ve ever made about my breast size is how difficult it is to shop for tops and dresses, which is an issue many women have. It’s why we try clothes on before we buy.

 

So, why are there women out there who think nothing of coming over to me and asking me why I don’t get a breast reduction?

 

I don’t suffer from back pain, I can lie comfortably on my front in bed, I don’t run so black eyes isn’t an issue. I’m eating healthy to lose weight, I’m a member of a weight loss group, and I’m not secure in my appearance, but whether the reason behind the comments is meant as helpful advice, bringing up the subject of cosmetic surgery in relation to my body, doesn’t help my mission for body-positivity.

 

However, since losing a stone and a half through dieting, I find myself growing more confident in the way I look now, but this time last year, I was so down on myself that I didn’t care how I dressed, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do anything with my hair. I couldn’t see the point, but making the changes to my lifestyle has had an impact on my mental and physical health.

 

It’s not just watching my weight go down, it’s feeling the difference to my fitness and my health. I’m not an athlete. I don’t go to the gym. I’m naturally a lazy person, but since eating healthy, the crawl towards physical acceptance has been slow but it is happening.

 

Then someone suggests a breast reduction and it knocks me back. For whatever reason people think it’s acceptable to comment on my body all the time. Walking down the street, out with my friends, in professional situations: My breasts have been commented on by mere acquaintances and perfect strangers alike.

 

I’ll talk comfortably with my friends, but if you’re coming up to suggest I get a breast reduction, then it’s not because of anything I’ve said, or how I feel. Those are your issues. I don’t know why some people are so concerned with my breast size, and I don’t want to know.

 

If it’s not your body, it’s not your business. Keep your opinions to yourself. 

Am I Lost?

Am I lost in the system?

It’s been almost a year since I contacted the doctor about a referral to a fertility clinic, for the purpose of IVF. I called in September, and now we’re in July.

I know I’m probably a little further forward than I was this time last year, but it doesn’t feel like it. For the past six weeks, I’ve been waiting for an appointment to confirm my referral. I phoned to find out what was going on and I’ve been assured that my case is being looked at, but that was weeks ago, and I’ve heard nothing since.

What I’m unsure of is how often to bother them to find out if things are still moving or if my referral is lost.

From one point of view, it’s giving me more time to lower my BMI, and it’s giving me more time to save money, but it still feels like it’s taking forever, and every day I’m moving closer to forty years old. My biological clock has never been so loud.

I guess, I’ll give it a few days and then maybe call again. As always, the road to baby has a 4mph speed limit.

My Eggs are in the Freezer

When I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago, I was offered the chance to freeze my eggs before the treatment started.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too symptomatic at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t have night sweats, there were no lumps, just a general sense of fatigue and illness, and a doctor who listened when I said something was wrong, and because I wasn’t symptomatic, it meant they could take the time to freeze my egg.

As I take my first slow slow steps into the fertility journey, I’m so glad egg-freezing was offered to me, because as I’ve learned through the necessary tests for a fertility clinic referral, my ovulation isn’t what it should be. Obviously, there was some damage caused through chemotherapy.

Ten years ago, when I froze my eggs, I remember being anxious to start the chemo, but I’m glad I took the time for the process and I’m glad it was offered to me, even if it did make me ill. I injected myself with whatever they told me to, but I was overwhelmed with everything and, to be honest, at the time just wanted to get it done. I think there was a part of me that foolishly didn’t think I would need frozen eggs. Silly silly younger me.

I recall the day at the hospital to retrieve my eggs and chatting about baking as I laid there while they put a needle where no woman wants a needle to go. I didn’t feel anything though, and they assured me I made lots of eggs. Too many, judging by the sickness that followed.

Unfortunately, the process of egg-freezing and the many eggs I made mixed with the cancer all caused me a lot of sickness. This resulted in me going into hospital, which is where I was when my chemotherapy started and that was followed by pneumonia.

Now, ten years later, my eggs are in the freezer and it’s going to cost me a butt-load of money to use them but everything I went through, will be worth it, if the IVF works for me. It wasn’t an easy time, and I don’t have good memories of freezing eggs, but when I went for an open day at the clinic last year, we were given a tour and were shown the area the eggs are stored, and I’m glad to know they’re there.

 

 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Daunting Road to Baby

I find myself a little bit tired this week.

My mind has been a whir of finances, fertility, writing and a whole load of other stuff. No one said fertility was easy, and it’s amazing how much headspace it takes up. The problems that come with it.

Money is a constant obsession, because I know how expensive this whole process is, but team it together with the low likelihood of success and it can be quite a daunting path to follow.

So, for now, I’ve reached the decision to not keep looking too far ahead, and by that, I mean, in a way, taking life one day at a time. I keep telling myself that there’s no point in worrying about what will happen in March when I’m still working on a referral to the fertility clinic.

I’ve had the blood tests, and now there’s nothing I can do until the smear test and the talk with my GP, so I refuse to obsess about what happens beyond that. I can only do what I can do.

I’ll continue with he weight loss, lowering my BMI and I’ll keep saving every penny I can, but other than that, I’m going to obsess on my writing because writing is a good obsession for me.

Fertility treatment, or even the prospect of it, can be overwhelming, but one step at a time is the way for me to go. It’s slow-going, but that just gives me more time to save money, and in the meantime, I always have writing to distract me. 

Fertility Financials

 

Fertility treatment is expensive, and I’m not exactly a high earner. This is the infuriating thing about IVF/IUI.

I have a fantastic support system, and I earn a steady income with my day job, but the bulk payment of treatment is the issue that’s in front of me right now. I live by a strict budget I don’t spend what I don’t have to, and I save any spare money.

Do I see and end to saving? No. Because there are always expenses in the future. Once my fertility treatment is paid for, then it’ll be a house deposit, then it’ll be my post-work life. Not to mention any surprise expenses that come along. I also have to fit in the funding for a lot of dogs because I’m going to need pets.

Saving is hard, though, especially when it feels like there is a time limit. I’m not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking loudly, which means I resent every penny I spend, and if it’s a treat for myself, it comes with a butt-load of guilt.

I have to say though, that as a person who has never been great at saving, I’m definitely getting better at it. Any money I make from my books is saved, any loose change goes into a pot to be deposited into my account, and any money gifted to me goes straight into savings.

I confess, my one weakness is books, but even that has been curbed drastically for the sake of fertility treatment.

I might just reach my savings goal yet.

Team Fitness

Health-and-fitness is not one of my favourite things. I like junk food and laying around reading books. I’m a big fan of that.

But for fertility purposes, I have to lower my BMI which means I’m a permanent member of the H&F team, and more than that, I don’t want to be unhealthy and overweight forever. It makes me feel sluggish, it makes my chronic fatigue worse, and the acid reflux that came with chemotherapy, even eight years later, turns into fire. That’s the impact too much junk food and laziness have had on my body.

Not to mention the tightening of my clothes, until my wardrobe halves.

So, yeah, now I’m all about fruit and vegetables, and being active. And the thing is, that once I started with that, I like it a lot more than I thought I would. There’s a bit of a high when I finish, which I hear is an endorphin high, and granted it’s usually teamed with sweatiness and panting, but it’s still a good feeling. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

The same as when I start to see a physical difference. I get my clothes back, there’s more energy, and I spend less on medication like Lansoprazole. I waver sometimes, and I slip up, but I’ve got motivation and I’m really trying.

Health and fitness. That’s me. I’ve got my health apps, my diet apps, my social media groups, my social support, and I’m trying, because weight loss and getting healthy is a difficult thing to do without support, and it’s a lot more expensive than junk food which makes it easier to fail.

I’ve got my motivation now. Team health and fitness all the way. Whatever it takes for the fertility journey.

First Fertility Hurdle

 It's so hard to get going with the business of fertility when there's a pandemic going on.

I've been trying to make an appointment for the referral to the fertility clinic, but it's not considered to be an emergent case so I can't even get a phone appointment. The only option is to call every single day and hope they have a free space where they can fit me in.

I knew there would be set backs, I always knew this was going to be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be getting off the starting block. I didn't realise it would be so difficult to get the first appointment.

I see a long road ahead of me - an endlessly long road ahead - and it's not going to get any shorter if I don't get going.

I know this isn't the ideal time to be starting this journey, but I wanted to earlier in the year, but then this pandemic started, kicking us into full lockdown. If I keep waiting, I'll be a thousand years old.

I might be that old by the time I get a GP appointment.

 

 

Quiet Week

So, this is just a little update on what I'm doing right now. 

It's been a quiet week. I had some time off from the day job and I've been reading a lot. Making my way through all my favourite paranormal romance books and series. I think after another writing rejection, I just needed a small break from it. That's the worst part of writing for me. 

However, I haven't stopped completely. I've been making notes and plotting. 

I'm about to do another run through of Wings of Passion - editing it, then I want to work on some shorter pieces of romance before getting to work on my big one. The scifi romance series I've started. 

Still writing. Still reading. 

Mission Fertility

Last October I went to an open day at a fertility hospital. They explained the process, the different treatments and took us on a tour of the facility. We even got a cuppa tea and a free pen.

The tour was something that wasn’t necessary for me, as eight years ago I was well acquainted with the building, because eight years ago I froze my eggs there, before starting Chemotherapy.

As for the res of the open day, it felt like a step towards a dream I’ve held inside for a long time. I learned what lays ahead of me, the obstacles I’ll have to face and the realistic possibility of joy or heartbreak.

Going through IVF isn’t the same as artificial insemination, and until I have fertility tests, I won’t know which path will be mine, but if IVF is the road I go down, then it’s not as simple as a few trips to the hospital.

In some regards, for me, it’s a lifestyle overhaul.

I’m lucky that I don’t smoke, and alcohol has never been an important thing in my life, so giving up those won’t be too difficult. My three most immediate challenges will be funding as IVF is an expensive process, time – given that I’m nearing forty, and lowering my BMI.

As far as financials go, I’m a single woman in my late thirties so there is not financial aid for me, and at £4000 a cycle, I don’t exactly have that in my savings.

As just stated, in growing ever closer to forty everyday which means there is a time limit ahead of me.

My third challenge: lowering my BMI. At the open day it was stated I would have to get my BMI below twenty-five, and at the moment it stands at 29.9.. That’s quite a ways to go.

My plan is budgeting, being frugal, exercise and weight watchers – or WW as it’s now known, but as I look ahead, I see an uphill battle, and it’s scary to state in actual words, what I want when I have no clear idea of how to get it.

I’m about to step into the dark, eerie forest, and I hope I come out on the other side with some realised dreams.

Rough Week

It's no secret that I live with my parents right now. It's also no secret that I want my own place. 

My parents have decided to change things around in the house and that upheaval has been enough to trigger my anxiety today. That's all it took. They're not big changes, bit still, it's tackled me to the ground.

The sun is shining, I have a week off work. I was going to be productive, yet instead I'm sitting in the garden trying to remember how to breathe and how not to cry. So, yeah, this is a bad patch, and it doesn't matter what people say or do, I just have to get through it.

I'm lethargic, I'm stressed and I'm sad, but I know how much worse it would be if I wasn't on Setraline. That works often for me, even if not today. 

Tomorrow may be better because that's how quickly things can turn around. Today though, I just want to hide with my duvet over my head.  

Six Weeks, No Donuts

 

I was irrationally nervous as I prepared to start Weight Watchers.

 

I’ve done it before and it’s a program that’s always worked for me, I also had a fair idea of what my weight would be, so I don’t know why I had butterflies as I logged onto the website.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as a massively overweight person even as my BMI called me obese, but I didn’t feel healthy either.

 

I struggle with certain health problems because of having stupid cancer a few years ago. As much as the chemotherapy saved my life, it left behind a mark. With scar tissue, stomach issues and chronic fatigue that on their worst day can emulate the symptoms I had with cancer, leading to some scary thoughts and panicked paranoia, I was never looking for miracles by losing weight.

 

But I also knew that when I crazy-danced (putting on music and dancing all crazy) I could only last about two songs, and when I chased my dog around my parents’ small garden I could only do one lap, and running up the stairs…? Yeah, that was never an actual run. Those were things that I knew were affected by my heavy weight.

 

So, on a whim I looked up my local weight watchers and announced I was starting.

 

The first week was difficult. Learning about the programme, giving up the binge eating, and I admit that I’ve slipped up a few times, and because of that, I’m off to a slow start, but the weight is leaving me, and that makes the donut sacrifice.

 

I’m proud of my achievement so far because when I’ve tried dieting alone in the past, I inevitably sneak junk food and the diet doesn’t work.

 

I’m in the very early stages of my weight loss journey and I miss donuts like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m doing my best to stay motivated. I’m no expert about dieting, I’m learning what works for my body and I’m doing my best, but based on the last few weeks, here are my tips on getting started:

 

 

Do it for yourself

I don’t care what anyone says, losing weight is not easy. Making the decision to go on a diet and stick to it is not easy. There will be weeks when you do everything right and the best result is to maintain your current weight, there will be weeks when someone tells you how much food they ate and they lose four pounds, there will be people who lose it quicker than you, people who reach goals faster than you. For some the weight will drop off, for others it’s slow, painful progress. And that is why you have to do it for yourself. Because if there is some outside influence provoking you and it’s not something you need or want then it will be that much harder. Every pound you drop is something to be proud of. It’s a goal achieved. You’ll feel it so much deeper if you really want it.

 

 Exercise (ugh)

I hate exercising. It sucks. I find no pleasure in trying to get fit. So, my advice to you is do something that you can find enjoyment in. I’m, at heart, a lazy person so you’re unlikely to find me running or at the gym, so for my exercise (ugh) I walk the dog and I dance. And I don’t mean dance class. I get some music going and I dance until I’m tired. Usually with the dog jumping at my feet because she thinks it’s a game. Like I said, I’m lazy so I might not be the best person to offer advice on this but, hey, thirty minutes to an hour of walking has got to be better than thirty minutes to an hour watching TV dreaming of donuts.

 

Plan your meals

When I started weight watchers I found it difficult, not just the cutting down on all my favourite food part, but I didn’t know what to eat. With a limited number of points in a day I was at a bit of a loss, and the thing I find that makes it easier, is planning ahead. It’s difficult to start off with because it takes a while to build up your store cupboard with all the flavourings and weird new healthy food that you need for recipes, but after a while, it gets a bit easier, and soon it’s a part of your weekly routine. Think what you want for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What snacks you’ll want, and then find out what you need and add it to your shopping list. If you can prep and freeze; even better. It takes the stress out of meal decisions. Another problem that comes with dieting is when you eat out. Fortunately, a lot more places are adding healthy options to their menus and it really makes a difference but if you can get a look at a menu before you go then  you can plan ahead, and avoid the part that most other people find annoying; trying to find a low cal option while everyone’s waiting for you to decide.

 

Change your habits

One easy change to make is to eat from a smaller plate. It sounds like pointless, but I find it makes a difference. Eating from a smaller plate means you don’t have all that empty space surrounding your smaller portion and it means you don’t feel the need to fill it. As well as a smaller plate, drink more water. That way you don’t mistake thirst for hunger. Other pieces of advice I’ve been given are to eat at a table with no TV because when you’re distracted by television you’re not paying attention to your food and you shovel in more without realising. Also, it takes your body twenty minutes to realise your full so don’t be afraid to eat slowly or take breaks, and don't feel like you can never eat junk food again. If you cut out your favourites altogether (donuts for example) then you might find yourself quitting. I couldn't give up donuts forever, but I also know that eating them as often as I was wasn't healthy. Everything in moderation. That doesn't mean never again.

 

Find your motivation

It always seems easier to diet when you have a goal to achieve. A wedding, a holiday, anything with an endpoint and an achievement but even if you have nothing like those things to look forward to, you can create your own goals. I recently bought a dress for a writing event I was going to, and at the same time I bought one for upcoming Christmas meals and parties. The one for the writing event didn’t fit right. It was a little too tight which made it indecently short so I ended up wearing the Christmas party dress instead. Now the short, tight one is hanging on my wardrobe and it’s my first goal. To fit into that. If it happens by Christmas then great, if I don’t quite accomplish that then I’ll keep going till I do, but it’s a motivation to see this dress I love hanging up waiting for me to wear it. Another way is to reward yourself when reach milestones. Maybe you can put aside money for every pound you lose and then go shopping when you reach your goal weight. Or you can reward yourself at milestones. At your first half stone, or your first stone get your hair done, buy those shoes you want, get a tattoo, go drag racing. Whatever you want, but make a point of making that your reward and then it’s something to work toward.

 

Be healthy

This is my last and most important piece of advice. Dieting isn’t about starving yourself. Starting a new program is tough; understanding the program, what you can and can’t eat, pacing your points (or sins or calories: depending on which diet you do) throughout the day and week, but it should be balanced. You should be eating meals. If you’re looking for a lifestyle change that you can keep up then you need to find one that you can live with, that still let’s you enjoy food, that doesn’t harm you. Don’t starve yourself so you can binge. Don’t hurt your body to be thin. In my opinion the most important part of dieting, is to lose the weight healthily.

 

As I’ve already said, dieting is tough but one thing I get from going to a group is seeing how many people out there are doing the same thing. We’re trying to get healthy and it’s a constant support. People who are happy for you and encourage you when you lose a single pound, commiserate you when put on, advise you when you’re fed up and stuck. None of my friends are dieting so having this group makes a difference to me because they are the ones who understand my desire to be healthy and to feel better about myself that not everyone gets.

 

Whether you’re in a weight loss program, thinking about starting, or just reading this because you’re bored and it’s there… stay healthy and know we’re all struggling through this donut sacrifice together. 

 

Chronic Fatigue: The Parasite of Energy

 

Sometimes other people just suck the life right out of you. They make demands on you until your spirit is depleted.

 

This is where I’m at right now. Exhausted and battling to find the reserves to get through just one more day. And then I make it through that one, and I have to get through another. Crawling to the weekend so that I can finally have time and rest, to gather strength to get through another week.

 

It’s like my days are on a conveyor belt, dropping off the end into the aether, while I run in the opposite direction. Exhausted and getting nowhere.

 

This is what chronic fatigue is to me. In fact the symptoms of chronic fatigue are so similar to the symptoms I had when I had cancer that I can’t tell the difference, but because I work, because I have to keep trying, others don’t see or understand the pain in my body. I feel like I’m leaking petrol and any moment my engine is going to splutter to nothing. I feel like every footstep takes a mammoth effort, yet all I get for it are requests and demands. To try harder, to work more, to give my all.

 

Believe it or not; they’re getting my all, and it’s breaking me.

 

I want nothing more than to take pain killers and hide beneath my duvet sleeping. I’m tired. I’m tired all the time, and it makes me less patient, more snappish, less likely to put up with bullshit and drama because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have it in me to listen to life-suckers and those who only take.

 

Chronic fatigue is like a parasite, sucking the energy and spirit right out of me, and when it’s at its worst, it feels like I’ve been beaten. This is the aftermath of chemo years later.

 

My brain has stuff to do, a to-do list to get down, but my body won’t let me. I have plans to make, a future to build, yet I have to figure out how to do it with a body that won’t co-operate.

 

Chronic fatigue doesn’t mean a person feels a little bit tired, it doesn’t mean they’ve had a busy week, it means their body is broken, and just because they struggle along, they don’t give in, they fight against it, it doesn’t mean they’re not ill. And when they give into it, it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or weak.

 

Sometimes I have to crumble in order to build myself back up. That’s what chronic fatigue is to me.