Goodbye 2022

For me, if 2022 was a book in a series it would be the filler book that does nothing but set up for later stories. 

I feel like I did a lot, and achieved some things, but at the same time, have nothing to show for the year that we're about to leave behind. 

Maybe I'll hit the ground running when we get into 2023 or maybe I'll plod through the start, but mostly I don't want to be in the same place this time next year. I don't want to be stuck in this limbo that 2022 was trapped in. 

It doesn't mean there was no progress, but it's all behind the scenes and that makes it feel like it didn't happen. 

I know I'm moving forward, but sometimes it's hard to see when it happens so slowly, and it's easy to get disheartened. I'm clinging to motivation through the new year. 

Earn a Reward

One of the things I do is reward myself when I achieve a task, especially if it's a boring one. I'm not saying I buy myself a bottle of champagne for every little accomplishment, but even a little extra reading time, a nice drink, watching a movie. Whatever gets the job done. 

Break Up the Goal

Big things are easier to complete when broken up into smaller tasks, so that's what I do. I figure out what I want and then build the steps to reach it. I think looking at something like losing 3 stone in weight, or publishing a book can be intimidating when looked at, but starting small like getting into healthy habits or writing character profiles make is much more realistic. 

Why Do This?

Sometimes when I'm struggling or disheartened, I have to think about why I'm pushing myself. Why am I sitting at my computer two days after Christmas working when I could be doing something else? I visualise the end result. I need to know exactly what I want so that I can keep going. 

Prepared for Set-Backs 

The trajectory of success is never straightforward. I'm not shooting straight ahead. I falter, I get rejected, I make mistakes, and I do things wrong. Sometimes, I just straight out fail. I take time to feel bad about it, I cry, I complain and then I try again. 

Still Trying

2022 is on its way out and 2023 is coming which means I'm almost onto the next book of this series called life. 

If you liked this blog then take a look at some of my other sites, including my lifestyle blog. 

To Write or Not To Write

 

When there's a distraction how do you write through it? I'm actually asking, because I have no idea. Is it okay to take time off when your heart's just not in it, or should you push through and force yourself to get words on blank screen. 

It's been a few weeks, and because I've had some distractions, I took  time off writing. I've read, I've watched TV. I've done practically nothing. 

Maybe I could have opened my laptop and pushed myself to work, but I felt that because my mind was on other things, that I could be forgiven for not doing that. For giving myself some time to keep my brain empty and my imagination banked. 

I take writing seriously, and hope that one day it will be my full-time career, but that doesn't mean I can do it when I can't focus. There's a part of me that thinks, keep writing, but I don't think that would have benefited my mental or emotional state. To force myself to write. So, yeah, I gave myself permission to take some time off. 

Now I'm feeling better, now my brain is back in the game, now it's time to get back to work, because I took the time I need. Now I'm ready. I'm editing and I'm writing again. 

My Body's Not Your Business

 

Have you ever gone up to an acquaintance and suggested they get plastic surgery to alter their appearance? Maybe a nose job, a face lift, liposuction? No? Me neither, because it’s rude, and pretty damn offensive.

 

Yet I’ve had four women, three of whom I only know a little, suggest that I have a breast reduction. Why? The only complaint I’ve ever made about my breast size is how difficult it is to shop for tops and dresses, which is an issue many women have. It’s why we try clothes on before we buy.

 

So, why are there women out there who think nothing of coming over to me and asking me why I don’t get a breast reduction?

 

I don’t suffer from back pain, I can lie comfortably on my front in bed, I don’t run so black eyes isn’t an issue. I’m eating healthy to lose weight, I’m a member of a weight loss group, and I’m not secure in my appearance, but whether the reason behind the comments is meant as helpful advice, bringing up the subject of cosmetic surgery in relation to my body, doesn’t help my mission for body-positivity.

 

However, since losing a stone and a half through dieting, I find myself growing more confident in the way I look now, but this time last year, I was so down on myself that I didn’t care how I dressed, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do anything with my hair. I couldn’t see the point, but making the changes to my lifestyle has had an impact on my mental and physical health.

 

It’s not just watching my weight go down, it’s feeling the difference to my fitness and my health. I’m not an athlete. I don’t go to the gym. I’m naturally a lazy person, but since eating healthy, the crawl towards physical acceptance has been slow but it is happening.

 

Then someone suggests a breast reduction and it knocks me back. For whatever reason people think it’s acceptable to comment on my body all the time. Walking down the street, out with my friends, in professional situations: My breasts have been commented on by mere acquaintances and perfect strangers alike.

 

I’ll talk comfortably with my friends, but if you’re coming up to suggest I get a breast reduction, then it’s not because of anything I’ve said, or how I feel. Those are your issues. I don’t know why some people are so concerned with my breast size, and I don’t want to know.

 

If it’s not your body, it’s not your business. Keep your opinions to yourself. 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Break Time

Sometimes you just need a break, or you end up having a breakdown. 

I've been tired, I've been working and I've been preparing for Christmas, and so I found that these last couple of weeks something had to give, and that something was social media. I just needed to not worry about logging on, thinking about hashtags and what I could say to entertain. 

And I gave myself that rest, because I needed it. 

Obviously, I kept writing, even if not as much as I usually do, but there are times when the rejection, the thought of rejection and the possibility of rejection makes me not want to try, and so I wrote for fun, things that were just for me. I journaled, wrote poetry, and I worked a little on my WIP, but this was a vacation for me. One where I concentrated on Christmas excitement and focussed a little more on that. 

Now, I feel slightly rejuvenated, though still tired, and I'm ready to get back to work. 

Daunting Road to Baby

I find myself a little bit tired this week.

My mind has been a whir of finances, fertility, writing and a whole load of other stuff. No one said fertility was easy, and it’s amazing how much headspace it takes up. The problems that come with it.

Money is a constant obsession, because I know how expensive this whole process is, but team it together with the low likelihood of success and it can be quite a daunting path to follow.

So, for now, I’ve reached the decision to not keep looking too far ahead, and by that, I mean, in a way, taking life one day at a time. I keep telling myself that there’s no point in worrying about what will happen in March when I’m still working on a referral to the fertility clinic.

I’ve had the blood tests, and now there’s nothing I can do until the smear test and the talk with my GP, so I refuse to obsess about what happens beyond that. I can only do what I can do.

I’ll continue with he weight loss, lowering my BMI and I’ll keep saving every penny I can, but other than that, I’m going to obsess on my writing because writing is a good obsession for me.

Fertility treatment, or even the prospect of it, can be overwhelming, but one step at a time is the way for me to go. It’s slow-going, but that just gives me more time to save money, and in the meantime, I always have writing to distract me. 

Rough Week

It's no secret that I live with my parents right now. It's also no secret that I want my own place. 

My parents have decided to change things around in the house and that upheaval has been enough to trigger my anxiety today. That's all it took. They're not big changes, bit still, it's tackled me to the ground.

The sun is shining, I have a week off work. I was going to be productive, yet instead I'm sitting in the garden trying to remember how to breathe and how not to cry. So, yeah, this is a bad patch, and it doesn't matter what people say or do, I just have to get through it.

I'm lethargic, I'm stressed and I'm sad, but I know how much worse it would be if I wasn't on Setraline. That works often for me, even if not today. 

Tomorrow may be better because that's how quickly things can turn around. Today though, I just want to hide with my duvet over my head.  

When Things Get You Down

Sometimes when life is beating on you, it can be hard to keep the optimism, and not let things get you down.

Emotional Wreck

Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t know what provoked it, I don’t know why it happened, but all of a sudden, I just found life intolerable. Sometimes this happens. It happens to us all. The truth of where I am in life hit me like a tsunami. I felt suffocated by the fact that as a woman in her thirties, I’m so financially wrecked that I have to live with my parents. I can’t afford to run my own home.

Independent but dependent

I’m a single woman, which means I’m at a stage in my life where I should be allowed to please myself. What I watch on TV, when I clean, what I do with my own time, but instead many of the best parts of being single are lost to me because I don’t have true independence. Because this house is not mine.

I like my independence, but when you depend on living with others in order to survive financially, it’s like having it stripped away against your will. Most of the time I can get by on the attitude of ‘it is what it is’ but not last week. Last week every little irritant bonded with my problems and they broke me down.

You have to feel it

I cried. I cried a lot. I hid under my duvet and I gave into the feelings of devastation that I’m not where I wished I was in life. I’m not even close.

Sometimes you don’t want to just buck up and get over it. Sometimes you don’t want to dust yourself off. You don’t want to cheer up.

Sometimes you have to give in, even if for a little while, and cry, sob, whine. Whatever you need to do to work through it.

That was then…

That was last week, and I’d be lying if I said that I was once again feeling motivated and was working full force towards what I want in life. No. I’m not. The impact of that day where I admitted that I’m not happy with where I am has stuck with me, and I still feel sad about it. I’m not as driven as I was because I can’t just shake off those feelings. I’m still trying to work through it, and that’s okay.

It’s taking me some time to pick myself up. I’m not a machine. I’m not sunshine. I’m human, and sometimes that means I feel sad. I’ll only feel better when I’m ready to.

No News is Good News?

This has been a tough week and I haven’t been quiet about it.

The people closest to me have had to suffer through my sulky attitude as every piece of writing that I had out with publishers, agents, editors and competition judges came back to me with a big fat ‘No!’ I’ve had rejections coming out the wazoo.

I’m not great at handling rejection either. A bad trait for a writer perhaps, but it makes me reach for the donuts and I mooch around the house with a duvet over my head. Yup, I’m definitely a sulker.

This week with so many coming back at me it was like a bombardment, and while I may brood about it for a while, it doesn’t usually last long. It’s like a flash of misery and then I can shake it off and get going again, but this week as soon as I started to get over one rejection another would come through, and I have to say, my recovery period started to take longer.

The good thing with everything coming back all at once is that at least I know it’ll be a while before I get another. I didn’t take any days off from writing because when it comes down to it, I really do enjoy it – I’m just not a fan of other people’s responses to it – but what I have done is spent some time writing just for me. Things that I’ll never submit to anyone: my diary, poetry, ramblings. It helped me move on from the negativity that I was feeling whenever I turned my computer on to write.

I found this week a hard one to get over though so I might take some time before I send out another submission. For a little while to give myself a break, I’ll spend some time reading, I’ll write some more poetry, and I’ll gather the courage so that in a few months I’ll probably be back on Social Media complaining about all the no replies flowing into my inbox.