To Write or Not To Write

 

When there's a distraction how do you write through it? I'm actually asking, because I have no idea. Is it okay to take time off when your heart's just not in it, or should you push through and force yourself to get words on blank screen. 

It's been a few weeks, and because I've had some distractions, I took  time off writing. I've read, I've watched TV. I've done practically nothing. 

Maybe I could have opened my laptop and pushed myself to work, but I felt that because my mind was on other things, that I could be forgiven for not doing that. For giving myself some time to keep my brain empty and my imagination banked. 

I take writing seriously, and hope that one day it will be my full-time career, but that doesn't mean I can do it when I can't focus. There's a part of me that thinks, keep writing, but I don't think that would have benefited my mental or emotional state. To force myself to write. So, yeah, I gave myself permission to take some time off. 

Now I'm feeling better, now my brain is back in the game, now it's time to get back to work, because I took the time I need. Now I'm ready. I'm editing and I'm writing again. 

Nine Months, Many Donuts

 

Okay, I admit it, I crumbled. I ate the donuts. It happened. I even had some muffins, some cupcakes, some chocolate, some beer. Oops.

I felt like a rebel and I ate cake. It was brilliant.

I think you can guess that the weight loss journey took a wrong turn. A massive wrong turn. I don’t know what happened, but I think I just reached a point where I’d had enough. I needed a break from the healthy eating diet, and I needed to eat some donuts. So, for a few weeks, that’s what I’ve done and in having this break from it, I’ve come to realise a few things:

Healthy eating is for life:

At least for me it has to be, because I am not responsible enough with food to be left unattended. I can easily live on takeaways, cakes, sweets and Dr Pepper and be entirely happy, but let’s be honest, even I know that every now and then you need to eat a vegetable, but once I start with the junk-food it’s hard to stop. Every day I eat more and more, and what this means is that I need the restraint of the healthy eating plan to reign in my gluttony.

 Square one isn’t far away:

I dropped from thirteen stone eight to eleven stone three. I went from the red section of obese on the BMI scale to the mix of green and yellow of the only just overweight, and then I gave into donuts and my weight crept back towards the red. It occurred to me if I carried on putting treats into my belly, it would be fun, but I’d be right back where I started and that would make the last nine months of building my will power and attending WW workshops completely redundant. I’d have wasted all the work I put into my diet. I’d be back at square one, and let me tell you, it won’t take long to get there.

 Food impacts health:

I know they say it, but I never really believed it, or maybe I did believe it, but I just thought donuts were worth it. I still kinda think that. But then I couldn’t sleep because of intense stomach cramps and I made the connection between what I was eating and how bad I was feeling. As well as the stomach cramps I was experiencing a shortness of breath much quicker after small bursts of activity and I was generally sluggish, which I admit some of which is down to chronic fatigue, but it’s much more extreme when dessert is the only food group going into my belly. Steroids and chemo messed up my body while they saved my life, but I notice the after-effects of those medicines have much less impact when I eat right.

Getting back on track was the hard part. I love food and I like it even more in large quantities, but I knew it was time to get my butt back in gear when my new jeans started to feel a little tight and when my cupboards were empty of anything healthy.

It was time to bring in the big guns.

I sought out my support system. I went to my WW workshop, surrounded myself with people in my boat. Those trying to change their lifestyle through diet. Some who are struggling like me and who can understand, those who are achieving their goals and can motivate, and my WW coach who can help me find my way again with her support.

 Because even if you’re doing a different diet plan, or if you’re trying to go it alone, or with a friend, there will be weeks when you struggle. Maybe you’ve been good all week and haven’t lost, maybe you just haven’t been able to get your head in it, maybe you don’t feel like it, maybe you’ve had a lot of fun nights out for dinner or drinks. That’s all okay.

In my opinion, a healthy lifestyle isn’t supposed to mean you give up your life to it. I don’t believe you’re supposed to be a perfect dieter. You’re supposed to do it however you need to do it, at your own pace, your own way with your own motivation.

The way I’m trying to get back into the healthy eating way of life is by thinking about why I started. The reason I made the choice to get healthy and lose weight.

My reason: Because I was unhappy. I felt like there was no point making an effort with clothes or my hair or makeup, because nothing looked nice on me. It was a foolish viewpoint, but it’s how I felt. I felt tired all the time and generally unhealthy. I was becoming more and more reluctant to go out. I knew my life needed to change and joining was step one in what will be a long journey, but it made a huge difference to my life.

That doesn’t mean I’m eating perfectly. It just means and trying, and for me, that’s enough.

 

My Body's Not Your Business

 

Have you ever gone up to an acquaintance and suggested they get plastic surgery to alter their appearance? Maybe a nose job, a face lift, liposuction? No? Me neither, because it’s rude, and pretty damn offensive.

 

Yet I’ve had four women, three of whom I only know a little, suggest that I have a breast reduction. Why? The only complaint I’ve ever made about my breast size is how difficult it is to shop for tops and dresses, which is an issue many women have. It’s why we try clothes on before we buy.

 

So, why are there women out there who think nothing of coming over to me and asking me why I don’t get a breast reduction?

 

I don’t suffer from back pain, I can lie comfortably on my front in bed, I don’t run so black eyes isn’t an issue. I’m eating healthy to lose weight, I’m a member of a weight loss group, and I’m not secure in my appearance, but whether the reason behind the comments is meant as helpful advice, bringing up the subject of cosmetic surgery in relation to my body, doesn’t help my mission for body-positivity.

 

However, since losing a stone and a half through dieting, I find myself growing more confident in the way I look now, but this time last year, I was so down on myself that I didn’t care how I dressed, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do anything with my hair. I couldn’t see the point, but making the changes to my lifestyle has had an impact on my mental and physical health.

 

It’s not just watching my weight go down, it’s feeling the difference to my fitness and my health. I’m not an athlete. I don’t go to the gym. I’m naturally a lazy person, but since eating healthy, the crawl towards physical acceptance has been slow but it is happening.

 

Then someone suggests a breast reduction and it knocks me back. For whatever reason people think it’s acceptable to comment on my body all the time. Walking down the street, out with my friends, in professional situations: My breasts have been commented on by mere acquaintances and perfect strangers alike.

 

I’ll talk comfortably with my friends, but if you’re coming up to suggest I get a breast reduction, then it’s not because of anything I’ve said, or how I feel. Those are your issues. I don’t know why some people are so concerned with my breast size, and I don’t want to know.

 

If it’s not your body, it’s not your business. Keep your opinions to yourself. 

Am I Lost?

Am I lost in the system?

It’s been almost a year since I contacted the doctor about a referral to a fertility clinic, for the purpose of IVF. I called in September, and now we’re in July.

I know I’m probably a little further forward than I was this time last year, but it doesn’t feel like it. For the past six weeks, I’ve been waiting for an appointment to confirm my referral. I phoned to find out what was going on and I’ve been assured that my case is being looked at, but that was weeks ago, and I’ve heard nothing since.

What I’m unsure of is how often to bother them to find out if things are still moving or if my referral is lost.

From one point of view, it’s giving me more time to lower my BMI, and it’s giving me more time to save money, but it still feels like it’s taking forever, and every day I’m moving closer to forty years old. My biological clock has never been so loud.

I guess, I’ll give it a few days and then maybe call again. As always, the road to baby has a 4mph speed limit.

One Small Step to Baby

Is IVF the slowest process in the world?

I spoke to my GP September 2020 and asked for a referral to my fertility clinic. It’s still ongoing. I think I’m finally at the latter side of the wait, but I’ve had all the necessary tests so there’s nothing left for me to do at the moment.

I was told to book an appointment, which I was to do online, so I did. It then said that there were none available, and I would receive a phone call within two weeks. No one phoned, so I called them and I’ve been told that my referral is being graded and someone should be in touch about an appointment.

It’s a frustratingly slow process, but at the same time, it gives me more of a chance to save money for the funding side of the process. IVF is shockingly expensive when It’s not available on the NHS, and obviously, as a single woman for me, it is not.

But every small step forward feels like an achievement and I’m excited to be moving forward, even if money is a huge question mark hanging over my head.

My Eggs are in the Freezer

When I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago, I was offered the chance to freeze my eggs before the treatment started.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too symptomatic at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t have night sweats, there were no lumps, just a general sense of fatigue and illness, and a doctor who listened when I said something was wrong, and because I wasn’t symptomatic, it meant they could take the time to freeze my egg.

As I take my first slow slow steps into the fertility journey, I’m so glad egg-freezing was offered to me, because as I’ve learned through the necessary tests for a fertility clinic referral, my ovulation isn’t what it should be. Obviously, there was some damage caused through chemotherapy.

Ten years ago, when I froze my eggs, I remember being anxious to start the chemo, but I’m glad I took the time for the process and I’m glad it was offered to me, even if it did make me ill. I injected myself with whatever they told me to, but I was overwhelmed with everything and, to be honest, at the time just wanted to get it done. I think there was a part of me that foolishly didn’t think I would need frozen eggs. Silly silly younger me.

I recall the day at the hospital to retrieve my eggs and chatting about baking as I laid there while they put a needle where no woman wants a needle to go. I didn’t feel anything though, and they assured me I made lots of eggs. Too many, judging by the sickness that followed.

Unfortunately, the process of egg-freezing and the many eggs I made mixed with the cancer all caused me a lot of sickness. This resulted in me going into hospital, which is where I was when my chemotherapy started and that was followed by pneumonia.

Now, ten years later, my eggs are in the freezer and it’s going to cost me a butt-load of money to use them but everything I went through, will be worth it, if the IVF works for me. It wasn’t an easy time, and I don’t have good memories of freezing eggs, but when I went for an open day at the clinic last year, we were given a tour and were shown the area the eggs are stored, and I’m glad to know they’re there.

 

 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Losing Motivation

 

I love writing. I am a writer after all. But right now, I'm uninspired. 

I have a book, it's finished, but it's hard to not keep making changes. It's hard to send it out into the world. I feel like I need to keep making changes. 

And from there it spirals. I keep wanting to make changes, but because I never feel like it's finished, I can't start work on anything else. I work on scenes, I write parts, but I'm just jumping between writing projects. Unfortunately, it's not the first time this has happened. It's like when you finish reading a series and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I'm lost. I want to write, but I need closure with my finished book. 

I need a home for Wings of Passion.

I’ve got so many starts, and I want to get lost in a story. I want to immerse myself in characters. I want to write again.