Am I Lost?

Am I lost in the system?

It’s been almost a year since I contacted the doctor about a referral to a fertility clinic, for the purpose of IVF. I called in September, and now we’re in July.

I know I’m probably a little further forward than I was this time last year, but it doesn’t feel like it. For the past six weeks, I’ve been waiting for an appointment to confirm my referral. I phoned to find out what was going on and I’ve been assured that my case is being looked at, but that was weeks ago, and I’ve heard nothing since.

What I’m unsure of is how often to bother them to find out if things are still moving or if my referral is lost.

From one point of view, it’s giving me more time to lower my BMI, and it’s giving me more time to save money, but it still feels like it’s taking forever, and every day I’m moving closer to forty years old. My biological clock has never been so loud.

I guess, I’ll give it a few days and then maybe call again. As always, the road to baby has a 4mph speed limit.

One Small Step to Baby

Is IVF the slowest process in the world?

I spoke to my GP September 2020 and asked for a referral to my fertility clinic. It’s still ongoing. I think I’m finally at the latter side of the wait, but I’ve had all the necessary tests so there’s nothing left for me to do at the moment.

I was told to book an appointment, which I was to do online, so I did. It then said that there were none available, and I would receive a phone call within two weeks. No one phoned, so I called them and I’ve been told that my referral is being graded and someone should be in touch about an appointment.

It’s a frustratingly slow process, but at the same time, it gives me more of a chance to save money for the funding side of the process. IVF is shockingly expensive when It’s not available on the NHS, and obviously, as a single woman for me, it is not.

But every small step forward feels like an achievement and I’m excited to be moving forward, even if money is a huge question mark hanging over my head.

My Eggs are in the Freezer

When I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago, I was offered the chance to freeze my eggs before the treatment started.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too symptomatic at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t have night sweats, there were no lumps, just a general sense of fatigue and illness, and a doctor who listened when I said something was wrong, and because I wasn’t symptomatic, it meant they could take the time to freeze my egg.

As I take my first slow slow steps into the fertility journey, I’m so glad egg-freezing was offered to me, because as I’ve learned through the necessary tests for a fertility clinic referral, my ovulation isn’t what it should be. Obviously, there was some damage caused through chemotherapy.

Ten years ago, when I froze my eggs, I remember being anxious to start the chemo, but I’m glad I took the time for the process and I’m glad it was offered to me, even if it did make me ill. I injected myself with whatever they told me to, but I was overwhelmed with everything and, to be honest, at the time just wanted to get it done. I think there was a part of me that foolishly didn’t think I would need frozen eggs. Silly silly younger me.

I recall the day at the hospital to retrieve my eggs and chatting about baking as I laid there while they put a needle where no woman wants a needle to go. I didn’t feel anything though, and they assured me I made lots of eggs. Too many, judging by the sickness that followed.

Unfortunately, the process of egg-freezing and the many eggs I made mixed with the cancer all caused me a lot of sickness. This resulted in me going into hospital, which is where I was when my chemotherapy started and that was followed by pneumonia.

Now, ten years later, my eggs are in the freezer and it’s going to cost me a butt-load of money to use them but everything I went through, will be worth it, if the IVF works for me. It wasn’t an easy time, and I don’t have good memories of freezing eggs, but when I went for an open day at the clinic last year, we were given a tour and were shown the area the eggs are stored, and I’m glad to know they’re there.

 

 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Daunting Road to Baby

I find myself a little bit tired this week.

My mind has been a whir of finances, fertility, writing and a whole load of other stuff. No one said fertility was easy, and it’s amazing how much headspace it takes up. The problems that come with it.

Money is a constant obsession, because I know how expensive this whole process is, but team it together with the low likelihood of success and it can be quite a daunting path to follow.

So, for now, I’ve reached the decision to not keep looking too far ahead, and by that, I mean, in a way, taking life one day at a time. I keep telling myself that there’s no point in worrying about what will happen in March when I’m still working on a referral to the fertility clinic.

I’ve had the blood tests, and now there’s nothing I can do until the smear test and the talk with my GP, so I refuse to obsess about what happens beyond that. I can only do what I can do.

I’ll continue with he weight loss, lowering my BMI and I’ll keep saving every penny I can, but other than that, I’m going to obsess on my writing because writing is a good obsession for me.

Fertility treatment, or even the prospect of it, can be overwhelming, but one step at a time is the way for me to go. It’s slow-going, but that just gives me more time to save money, and in the meantime, I always have writing to distract me. 

Fertility Financials

 

Fertility treatment is expensive, and I’m not exactly a high earner. This is the infuriating thing about IVF/IUI.

I have a fantastic support system, and I earn a steady income with my day job, but the bulk payment of treatment is the issue that’s in front of me right now. I live by a strict budget I don’t spend what I don’t have to, and I save any spare money.

Do I see and end to saving? No. Because there are always expenses in the future. Once my fertility treatment is paid for, then it’ll be a house deposit, then it’ll be my post-work life. Not to mention any surprise expenses that come along. I also have to fit in the funding for a lot of dogs because I’m going to need pets.

Saving is hard, though, especially when it feels like there is a time limit. I’m not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking loudly, which means I resent every penny I spend, and if it’s a treat for myself, it comes with a butt-load of guilt.

I have to say though, that as a person who has never been great at saving, I’m definitely getting better at it. Any money I make from my books is saved, any loose change goes into a pot to be deposited into my account, and any money gifted to me goes straight into savings.

I confess, my one weakness is books, but even that has been curbed drastically for the sake of fertility treatment.

I might just reach my savings goal yet.

Team Fitness

Health-and-fitness is not one of my favourite things. I like junk food and laying around reading books. I’m a big fan of that.

But for fertility purposes, I have to lower my BMI which means I’m a permanent member of the H&F team, and more than that, I don’t want to be unhealthy and overweight forever. It makes me feel sluggish, it makes my chronic fatigue worse, and the acid reflux that came with chemotherapy, even eight years later, turns into fire. That’s the impact too much junk food and laziness have had on my body.

Not to mention the tightening of my clothes, until my wardrobe halves.

So, yeah, now I’m all about fruit and vegetables, and being active. And the thing is, that once I started with that, I like it a lot more than I thought I would. There’s a bit of a high when I finish, which I hear is an endorphin high, and granted it’s usually teamed with sweatiness and panting, but it’s still a good feeling. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

The same as when I start to see a physical difference. I get my clothes back, there’s more energy, and I spend less on medication like Lansoprazole. I waver sometimes, and I slip up, but I’ve got motivation and I’m really trying.

Health and fitness. That’s me. I’ve got my health apps, my diet apps, my social media groups, my social support, and I’m trying, because weight loss and getting healthy is a difficult thing to do without support, and it’s a lot more expensive than junk food which makes it easier to fail.

I’ve got my motivation now. Team health and fitness all the way. Whatever it takes for the fertility journey.

First Fertility Hurdle

 It's so hard to get going with the business of fertility when there's a pandemic going on.

I've been trying to make an appointment for the referral to the fertility clinic, but it's not considered to be an emergent case so I can't even get a phone appointment. The only option is to call every single day and hope they have a free space where they can fit me in.

I knew there would be set backs, I always knew this was going to be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be getting off the starting block. I didn't realise it would be so difficult to get the first appointment.

I see a long road ahead of me - an endlessly long road ahead - and it's not going to get any shorter if I don't get going.

I know this isn't the ideal time to be starting this journey, but I wanted to earlier in the year, but then this pandemic started, kicking us into full lockdown. If I keep waiting, I'll be a thousand years old.

I might be that old by the time I get a GP appointment.

 

 

Mission Fertility

Last October I went to an open day at a fertility hospital. They explained the process, the different treatments and took us on a tour of the facility. We even got a cuppa tea and a free pen.

The tour was something that wasn’t necessary for me, as eight years ago I was well acquainted with the building, because eight years ago I froze my eggs there, before starting Chemotherapy.

As for the res of the open day, it felt like a step towards a dream I’ve held inside for a long time. I learned what lays ahead of me, the obstacles I’ll have to face and the realistic possibility of joy or heartbreak.

Going through IVF isn’t the same as artificial insemination, and until I have fertility tests, I won’t know which path will be mine, but if IVF is the road I go down, then it’s not as simple as a few trips to the hospital.

In some regards, for me, it’s a lifestyle overhaul.

I’m lucky that I don’t smoke, and alcohol has never been an important thing in my life, so giving up those won’t be too difficult. My three most immediate challenges will be funding as IVF is an expensive process, time – given that I’m nearing forty, and lowering my BMI.

As far as financials go, I’m a single woman in my late thirties so there is not financial aid for me, and at £4000 a cycle, I don’t exactly have that in my savings.

As just stated, in growing ever closer to forty everyday which means there is a time limit ahead of me.

My third challenge: lowering my BMI. At the open day it was stated I would have to get my BMI below twenty-five, and at the moment it stands at 29.9.. That’s quite a ways to go.

My plan is budgeting, being frugal, exercise and weight watchers – or WW as it’s now known, but as I look ahead, I see an uphill battle, and it’s scary to state in actual words, what I want when I have no clear idea of how to get it.

I’m about to step into the dark, eerie forest, and I hope I come out on the other side with some realised dreams.