One Small Step to Baby

Is IVF the slowest process in the world?

I spoke to my GP September 2020 and asked for a referral to my fertility clinic. It’s still ongoing. I think I’m finally at the latter side of the wait, but I’ve had all the necessary tests so there’s nothing left for me to do at the moment.

I was told to book an appointment, which I was to do online, so I did. It then said that there were none available, and I would receive a phone call within two weeks. No one phoned, so I called them and I’ve been told that my referral is being graded and someone should be in touch about an appointment.

It’s a frustratingly slow process, but at the same time, it gives me more of a chance to save money for the funding side of the process. IVF is shockingly expensive when It’s not available on the NHS, and obviously, as a single woman for me, it is not.

But every small step forward feels like an achievement and I’m excited to be moving forward, even if money is a huge question mark hanging over my head.

My Eggs are in the Freezer

When I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago, I was offered the chance to freeze my eggs before the treatment started.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too symptomatic at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t have night sweats, there were no lumps, just a general sense of fatigue and illness, and a doctor who listened when I said something was wrong, and because I wasn’t symptomatic, it meant they could take the time to freeze my egg.

As I take my first slow slow steps into the fertility journey, I’m so glad egg-freezing was offered to me, because as I’ve learned through the necessary tests for a fertility clinic referral, my ovulation isn’t what it should be. Obviously, there was some damage caused through chemotherapy.

Ten years ago, when I froze my eggs, I remember being anxious to start the chemo, but I’m glad I took the time for the process and I’m glad it was offered to me, even if it did make me ill. I injected myself with whatever they told me to, but I was overwhelmed with everything and, to be honest, at the time just wanted to get it done. I think there was a part of me that foolishly didn’t think I would need frozen eggs. Silly silly younger me.

I recall the day at the hospital to retrieve my eggs and chatting about baking as I laid there while they put a needle where no woman wants a needle to go. I didn’t feel anything though, and they assured me I made lots of eggs. Too many, judging by the sickness that followed.

Unfortunately, the process of egg-freezing and the many eggs I made mixed with the cancer all caused me a lot of sickness. This resulted in me going into hospital, which is where I was when my chemotherapy started and that was followed by pneumonia.

Now, ten years later, my eggs are in the freezer and it’s going to cost me a butt-load of money to use them but everything I went through, will be worth it, if the IVF works for me. It wasn’t an easy time, and I don’t have good memories of freezing eggs, but when I went for an open day at the clinic last year, we were given a tour and were shown the area the eggs are stored, and I’m glad to know they’re there.

 

 

It's Gonna Take Longer

 

So, it's been about a year of trying, and so far, I'm still trying.

I've gotten stuck on the rewrite for Wings of Passion, I've had rejections from many writing submissions, I've had doctor appointments delayed because of covid, I've felt tired, I've been exhausted, but I'm persevering, and even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I guess I kind of am. Slowly.

I keep submitting, I keep editing that shifter romance, and I've just completed the last test for the referral to the fertility clinic, but sometimes it gets me down that it's taken a year to take these small steps. I've also binge-watched Teen Wolf and started a healthy eating kick, but on the whole, I know for most people, including myself, it hasn't been the easiest year.

They say with hard work and belief you can achieve anything, and that's why I keep trying, but I admit there are days when I doubt that. There are days when I think that all the writing is for nothing. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'll just keep getting rejected, and in those moments, I'll keep watching Teen Wolf, I'll talk to my people, and I'll keep trying, because, I think that sometimes, you just have to feel it. Things might be sucky right now, but I'll wait for it to pass, for the regression to the mean, because in the words of Teen Wolf: “Life Can’t Ever Be All Bad Or All Good. You Know, Eventually, Things Have To Come Back To The Middle.”

It's been a year of trying, but apparently, it's gonna take longer.

 

Losing Motivation

 

I love writing. I am a writer after all. But right now, I'm uninspired. 

I have a book, it's finished, but it's hard to not keep making changes. It's hard to send it out into the world. I feel like I need to keep making changes. 

And from there it spirals. I keep wanting to make changes, but because I never feel like it's finished, I can't start work on anything else. I work on scenes, I write parts, but I'm just jumping between writing projects. Unfortunately, it's not the first time this has happened. It's like when you finish reading a series and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I'm lost. I want to write, but I need closure with my finished book. 

I need a home for Wings of Passion.

I’ve got so many starts, and I want to get lost in a story. I want to immerse myself in characters. I want to write again.

Christmas Break for Writing

 

My brain has decided to go on its Christmas break, and it doesn't want to work anymore.

Unfortunately, I have a day job that thinks differently, and so, all my breaks are occurring during the writing part of my day. I'm still getting odd words down, and ideas are still coming to me, but whenever I sit down to do any actual writing, a rush of festiveness washes over me, and suddenly I find myself eating candy canes and and Christmas shopping online.

I'm looking ahead to the new year, planning Christmas day. I'm searching for recipes, knitting decorations. I'm doing online Christmas quizzes and scavenger hunts. Watching Christmas movies, listening to festive music.

If it wasn't for the day job keeping me grounded I'd be adrift in a haze of Christmas.

We're all aware that this year it's going to be different. It's going to be quieter and a little sadder. We haven't been able to do all the celebrations, parties, and outings that we might usually have done, but even with our quiet, little Christmas, I'm still in the mood to see Santa.

I've been good all year. Well, most of it. Okay, some of it. Fine, I've been okay, but that's enough for the good list, right?

 

Christmas Excited

...and skilled in procrastination!

I'm all ready for Christmas. I've done nearly everything I need to. I go to work, I'm tidying up, the decs are up, cake made, present bought. 

What I've fallen done on is writing. I never realised how helpful Christmas is with my procrastination. Any time I sit down to write, and I can't get on track, well, there are always more Christmas gifts to look at.

 Now, I'm turning my procrastination skills to prep for the new year. I'm setting up worklists, doing background info for stories and now I'm trying to finish some small projects, editing, poems. Clearing the decks so that when I do get back into writing I have a clear path. Do I know that this is no more than procrastination? Absolutely, but excited for Christmas and having too much fun getting ready for it, so I'm trying to do the best I can with my weak concentration.

I just want it to be Christmas already!

Break Time

Sometimes you just need a break, or you end up having a breakdown. 

I've been tired, I've been working and I've been preparing for Christmas, and so I found that these last couple of weeks something had to give, and that something was social media. I just needed to not worry about logging on, thinking about hashtags and what I could say to entertain. 

And I gave myself that rest, because I needed it. 

Obviously, I kept writing, even if not as much as I usually do, but there are times when the rejection, the thought of rejection and the possibility of rejection makes me not want to try, and so I wrote for fun, things that were just for me. I journaled, wrote poetry, and I worked a little on my WIP, but this was a vacation for me. One where I concentrated on Christmas excitement and focussed a little more on that. 

Now, I feel slightly rejuvenated, though still tired, and I'm ready to get back to work.