Wednesday, 16 December 2020

Christmas Break for Writing

 


My brain has decided to go on its Christmas break, and it doesn't want to work anymore.

Unfortunately, I have a day job that thinks differently, and so, all my breaks are occurring during the writing part of my day. I'm still getting odd words down, and ideas are still coming to me, but whenever I sit down to do any actual writing, a rush of festiveness washes over me, and suddenly I find myself eating candy canes and and Christmas shopping online.

I'm looking ahead to the new year, planning Christmas day. I'm searching for recipes, knitting decorations. I'm doing online Christmas quizzes and scavenger hunts. Watching Christmas movies, listening to festive music.

If it wasn't for the day job keeping me grounded I'd be adrift in a haze of Christmas.

We're all aware that this year it's going to be different. It's going to be quieter and a little sadder. We haven't been able to do all the celebrations, parties, and outings that we might usually have done, but even with our quiet, little Christmas, I'm still in the mood to see Santa.

I've been good all year. Well, most of it. Okay, some of it. Fine, I've been okay, but that's enough for the good list, right?

 

Monday, 7 December 2020

Christmas Excited


...and skilled in procrastination!




I'm all ready for Christmas. I've done nearly everything I need to. I go to work, I'm tidying up, the decs are up, cake made, present bought. 

What I've fallen done on is writing. I never realised how helpful Christmas is with my procrastination. Any time I sit down to write, and I can't get on track, well, there are always more Christmas gifts to look at.

 Now, I'm turning my procrastination skills to prep for the new year. I'm setting up worklists, doing background info for stories and now I'm trying to finish some small projects, editing, poems. Clearing the decks so that when I do get back into writing I have a clear path. Do I know that this is no more than procrastination? Absolutely, but excited for Christmas and having too much fun getting ready for it, so I'm trying to do the best I can with my weak concentration.

I just want it to be Christmas already!


Sunday, 22 November 2020

Break Time


Sometimes you just need a break, or you end up having a breakdown. 

I've been tired, I've been working and I've been preparing for Christmas, and so I found that these last couple of weeks something had to give, and that something was social media. I just needed to not worry about logging on, thinking about hashtags and what I could say to entertain. 

And I gave myself that rest, because I needed it. 

Obviously, I kept writing, even if not as much as I usually do, but there are times when the rejection, the thought of rejection and the possibility of rejection makes me not want to try, and so I wrote for fun, things that were just for me. I journaled, wrote poetry, and I worked a little on my WIP, but this was a vacation for me. One where I concentrated on Christmas excitement and focussed a little more on that. 

Now, I feel slightly rejuvenated, though still tired, and I'm ready to get back to work. 

Wednesday, 28 October 2020

Feeling Autumnal. Winter’s On Its Way!


It’s raining outside, it’s dull. It’s mere days until Halloween.

Hello Autumn!

It’s officially the season of pumpkin spice everything, hot soup for dinner, fluffy pjs and a nice cuppa tea.

This is my favourite time of year. I like coming home from work and getting cosy on the sofa to get some serious writing done. Enter #NaNoWriMo!

November first starts the journey of fifty thousand words in thirty days. A book written in a month and my favourite part of it is the wordcount and the visible track of progress while I write. Something that’s usually missing. I love a wordcount.

I’ve got my story in mind, I’ve got my prep done, I’ve even got the start of the book planned. I’m good to go, and the best thing, National Novel Writing Month takes me straight to December. And that is Christmas.

I love Christmas! Controlling my excitement is the hard part. Even though this year is going to be different because of a certain pandemic ruining everything, I still feel the Christmas spirit simmering.

I’m glad we’re at the latter part of the year and not just because I want this year to end so we can get to the next, with the sunshine hope that next year will be better, but because all my favourite things about the year, comes with Autumn.

Halloween, Bonfire Night, Toffee Apples, Sherry, Christmas Cake, Egg Nog, Advent Calendars, Turkey Dinner, Christmas Pudding, Big Jumpers, Welly Boots, Hot Chocolate, Soup, Christmas Movies, Old Traditions. And that’s just a few things.

Told you I was excited.

 

 

 

Thursday, 22 October 2020

Daunting Road to Baby


I find myself a little bit tired this week.

My mind has been a whir of finances, fertility, writing and a whole load of other stuff. No one said fertility was easy, and it’s amazing how much headspace it takes up. The problems that come with it.

Money is a constant obsession, because I know how expensive this whole process is, but team it together with the low likelihood of success and it can be quite a daunting path to follow.

So, for now, I’ve reached the decision to not keep looking too far ahead, and by that, I mean, in a way, taking life one day at a time. I keep telling myself that there’s no point in worrying about what will happen in March when I’m still working on a referral to the fertility clinic.

I’ve had the blood tests, and now there’s nothing I can do until the smear test and the talk with my GP, so I refuse to obsess about what happens beyond that. I can only do what I can do.

I’ll continue with he weight loss, lowering my BMI and I’ll keep saving every penny I can, but other than that, I’m going to obsess on my writing because writing is a good obsession for me.

Fertility treatment, or even the prospect of it, can be overwhelming, but one step at a time is the way for me to go. It’s slow-going, but that just gives me more time to save money, and in the meantime, I always have writing to distract me. 

Friday, 16 October 2020

Week of Sleep

I'm reaching the end of my week off and I'm more tired than ever. 

Fatigue has been an issue, and I think I've had a little bit of an illness. Maybe a virus or infection, but as I recover, the fatigue clings to me. Maybe by the time it's time to go back to the day job, I'll be good as new. Or maybe I'll just be back to my usual late-thirty year old tired self. 

I did plan to write a butt-load this week off, but in the end, I've done very little. I actually think I'm one of those weird people who works better with a routine. Going to work gets me up and active early, and then I've got the rest of the day to write. I don't always make the most of my free time, but it does help to have a schedule and to wake up straight away. 

Once the routine goes, all my motivation goes with it. 

So, yeah, this has been a bit of a wasted week in one respect. But in another, I've absolutely loved going to bed early and not setting my alarm. Not setting my alarm is one of my most favourite things ever. 

I've got two days left of this week off, and if I get to it, I might get a bit of writing done, but the weekend might fade away into making the most of the final two days. And by making the most, I mean wearing pjs and being sleepy. 

The writer's life! 

Wednesday, 7 October 2020

Fertility Financials

 

Fertility treatment is expensive, and I’m not exactly a high earner. This is the infuriating thing about IVF/IUI.

I have a fantastic support system, and I earn a steady income with my day job, but the bulk payment of treatment is the issue that’s in front of me right now. I live by a strict budget I don’t spend what I don’t have to, and I save any spare money.

Do I see and end to saving? No. Because there are always expenses in the future. Once my fertility treatment is paid for, then it’ll be a house deposit, then it’ll be my post-work life. Not to mention any surprise expenses that come along. I also have to fit in the funding for a lot of dogs because I’m going to need pets.

Saving is hard, though, especially when it feels like there is a time limit. I’m not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking loudly, which means I resent every penny I spend, and if it’s a treat for myself, it comes with a butt-load of guilt.

I have to say though, that as a person who has never been great at saving, I’m definitely getting better at it. Any money I make from my books is saved, any loose change goes into a pot to be deposited into my account, and any money gifted to me goes straight into savings.

I confess, my one weakness is books, but even that has been curbed drastically for the sake of fertility treatment.

I might just reach my savings goal yet.


Thursday, 1 October 2020

Blocked Brain

 

My brain is stuck.

I’m editing today, but because I’m tired and struggling to concentrate, I’m venturing into a new story, to get my mind going. Wake it up, so to speak.

I’ve already been to the day job this morning, getting up at quarter to five in the morning to get there in time, and now I’m home in desperate need of a nap or a boat-load of coffee. The problem is, when I find myself reading the same sentence over and over again, I know I need to do something.

Usually, if I’m stuck while writing, my trick is to switch from typing to longhand, but it’s harder when it’s editing, because it’s all on the laptop. That’s why, I’m working on the start of something new, just to get into the swing of it.

Until my rain is unstuck.

Friday, 25 September 2020

Team Fitness

Health-and-fitness is not one of my favourite things. I like junk food and laying around reading books. I’m a big fan of that.

But for fertility purposes, I have to lower my BMI which means I’m a permanent member of the H&F team, and more than that, I don’t want to be unhealthy and overweight forever. It makes me feel sluggish, it makes my chronic fatigue worse, and the acid reflux that came with chemotherapy, even eight years later, turns into fire. That’s the impact too much junk food and laziness have had on my body.

Not to mention the tightening of my clothes, until my wardrobe halves.

So, yeah, now I’m all about fruit and vegetables, and being active. And the thing is, that once I started with that, I like it a lot more than I thought I would. There’s a bit of a high when I finish, which I hear is an endorphin high, and granted it’s usually teamed with sweatiness and panting, but it’s still a good feeling. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

The same as when I start to see a physical difference. I get my clothes back, there’s more energy, and I spend less on medication like Lansoprazole. I waver sometimes, and I slip up, but I’ve got motivation and I’m really trying.

Health and fitness. That’s me. I’ve got my health apps, my diet apps, my social media groups, my social support, and I’m trying, because weight loss and getting healthy is a difficult thing to do without support, and it’s a lot more expensive than junk food which makes it easier to fail.

I’ve got my motivation now. Team health and fitness all the way. Whatever it takes for the fertility journey.

Wednesday, 23 September 2020

First Fertility Hurdle

 It's so hard to get going with the business of fertility when there's a pandemic going on.

I've been trying to make an appointment for the referral to the fertility clinic, but it's not considered to be an emergent case so I can't even get a phone appointment. The only option is to call every single day and hope they have a free space where they can fit me in.

I knew there would be set backs, I always knew this was going to be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be getting off the starting block. I didn't realise it would be so difficult to get the first appointment.

I see a long road ahead of me - an endlessly long road ahead - and it's not going to get any shorter if I don't get going.

I know this isn't the ideal time to be starting this journey, but I wanted to earlier in the year, but then this pandemic started, kicking us into full lockdown. If I keep waiting, I'll be a thousand years old.

I might be that old by the time I get a GP appointment.

 

 

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Quiet Week

So, this is just a little update on what I'm doing right now. 

It's been a quiet week. I had some time off from the day job and I've been reading a lot. Making my way through all my favourite paranormal romance books and series. I think after another writing rejection, I just needed a small break from it. That's the worst part of writing for me. 

However, I haven't stopped completely. I've been making notes and plotting. 

I'm about to do another run through of Wings of Passion - editing it, then I want to work on some shorter pieces of romance before getting to work on my big one. The scifi romance series I've started. 

Still writing. Still reading. 

Thursday, 10 September 2020

Mission Fertility

Last October I went to an open day at a fertility hospital. They explained the process, the different treatments and took us on a tour of the facility. We even got a cuppa tea and a free pen.

The tour was something that wasn’t necessary for me, as eight years ago I was well acquainted with the building, because eight years ago I froze my eggs there, before starting Chemotherapy.

As for the res of the open day, it felt like a step towards a dream I’ve held inside for a long time. I learned what lays ahead of me, the obstacles I’ll have to face and the realistic possibility of joy or heartbreak.

Going through IVF isn’t the same as artificial insemination, and until I have fertility tests, I won’t know which path will be mine, but if IVF is the road I go down, then it’s not as simple as a few trips to the hospital.

In some regards, for me, it’s a lifestyle overhaul.

I’m lucky that I don’t smoke, and alcohol has never been an important thing in my life, so giving up those won’t be too difficult. My three most immediate challenges will be funding as IVF is an expensive process, time – given that I’m nearing forty, and lowering my BMI.

As far as financials go, I’m a single woman in my late thirties so there is not financial aid for me, and at £4000 a cycle, I don’t exactly have that in my savings.

As just stated, in growing ever closer to forty everyday which means there is a time limit ahead of me.

My third challenge: lowering my BMI. At the open day it was stated I would have to get my BMI below twenty-five, and at the moment it stands at 29.9.. That’s quite a ways to go.

My plan is budgeting, being frugal, exercise and weight watchers – or WW as it’s now known, but as I look ahead, I see an uphill battle, and it’s scary to state in actual words, what I want when I have no clear idea of how to get it.

I’m about to step into the dark, eerie forest, and I hope I come out on the other side with some realised dreams.

Rough Week

It's no secret that I live with my parents right now. It's also no secret that I want my own place. 

My parents have decided to change things around in the house and that upheaval has been enough to trigger my anxiety today. That's all it took. They're not big changes, bit still, it's tackled me to the ground.

The sun is shining, I have a week off work. I was going to be productive, yet instead I'm sitting in the garden trying to remember how to breathe and how not to cry. So, yeah, this is a bad patch, and it doesn't matter what people say or do, I just have to get through it.

I'm lethargic, I'm stressed and I'm sad, but I know how much worse it would be if I wasn't on Setraline. That works often for me, even if not today. 

Tomorrow may be better because that's how quickly things can turn around. Today though, I just want to hide with my duvet over my head.  

Saturday, 29 August 2020

Real Life Intrudes

 

I don't know about you, but as a writer I find the act of putting words onto paper or onto screen a cathartic expression.

I doesn't matter the subject, genre, or what form the writing takes. The very act of roaming in my mind, romping through my emotions and making it into something, has an almost therapeutic impact.

Unfortunately, sometimes, real life gets in the way. Writing is a major priority in my life, it’s an important aspect of who I am, but it is not the main source of my income. That comes from my day job. I’m not at the stage in my writing career where I can take the bet on myself and go all in, so for now, I need to find secure employment and that takes my free time away from writing.

The problem with this is, if I go too long without putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, I start to suffer from attacks of anxiety. Does that happen to anyone else?

I don’t always think about how important writing is to my life until I can’t do it. Usually, it’s just something I like to do, but as it turns out, it’s also my release. A place to escape to when I need it.

At the moment with the day job taking over, it feels as though real life is getting in the way. It’s a simple fact that when you’re in the process of building your creative career, when you have to work a day job, when your creative activity is not your primary money earner, there will be times it gets pushed out. Maybe you have to put more hours in at your day job, maybe you’re taking it home with you. Whatever’s going on, not being able to write is difficult.

Life is stressful enough, but now with the added pressure to bring in sustainable money, losing the one thing that eases my anxiety-ridden mind, is the hardest part of all.

 

Friday, 21 August 2020

The Writer's Uniform

 


Okay, I admit it. When I’m at home writing, pjs are my outfit of choice. Usually teamed with a messy ponytail and no makeup.

That’s the thing with writing; I gotta be comfy. The problem? It leaves me utterly ill-equipped for the times I have to leave the house. Casual attire, I’m okay with but when you bring writing events into the mix, I confess I’m lost.

Networking usually results in me worrying about it before attending over-dressed. I just can’t get the hang of fashion. My first writing event – networking with TV people – I had my hair loose (an anomaly for me,) there was makeup on my face, and I wore a dress with heels. Not tall heels, but still heels. The people there were in jeans. Dang it! I’d got it wrong. This happens more than I’d like it to. Over-dressed or under-dressed; it’s confusing to a girl whose wardrobe is basically made up of pyjamas.

Somewhere along the way, I think I forgot to learn the skills of personal style. Unless lounge-wear is considered style, in which case, I’m nailing it.

On the other hand, if it’s not, then I may need some help. Here are the tips I’ve come up with so far:

·       Plan ahead: I find it kind of helpful to think of what I’m wearing ahead of time, so there’s no last-minute plan. It’s not a flawless plan, because, as I said, I am sometimes overdressed, but at least I’m never under-dressed.

·       Dress for yourself: There’s no point being uncomfortable in an outfit you don’t feel nice in. If you’re out of place in your clothes, it’s not exactly going to bolster you for talking to strangers.

·       Simple is better: This one is personal for me. I’m not adventurous with fashion, but if you are, the last thing I want to do, is tell you to go against yourself. Like I said, dress for yourself. But personally, for me, I find it better to keep it simple. I just don’t have the personal style to pull of something adventurous.

That’s all I’ve got so far, but maybe the more I network the better I’ll get.


Saturday, 15 August 2020

Six Weeks, No Donuts

 

I was irrationally nervous as I prepared to start Weight Watchers.

 

I’ve done it before and it’s a program that’s always worked for me, I also had a fair idea of what my weight would be, so I don’t know why I had butterflies as I logged onto the website.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as a massively overweight person even as my BMI called me obese, but I didn’t feel healthy either.

 

I struggle with certain health problems because of having stupid cancer a few years ago. As much as the chemotherapy saved my life, it left behind a mark. With scar tissue, stomach issues and chronic fatigue that on their worst day can emulate the symptoms I had with cancer, leading to some scary thoughts and panicked paranoia, I was never looking for miracles by losing weight.

 

But I also knew that when I crazy-danced (putting on music and dancing all crazy) I could only last about two songs, and when I chased my dog around my parents’ small garden I could only do one lap, and running up the stairs…? Yeah, that was never an actual run. Those were things that I knew were affected by my heavy weight.

 

So, on a whim I looked up my local weight watchers and announced I was starting.

 

The first week was difficult. Learning about the programme, giving up the binge eating, and I admit that I’ve slipped up a few times, and because of that, I’m off to a slow start, but the weight is leaving me, and that makes the donut sacrifice.

 

I’m proud of my achievement so far because when I’ve tried dieting alone in the past, I inevitably sneak junk food and the diet doesn’t work.

 

I’m in the very early stages of my weight loss journey and I miss donuts like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m doing my best to stay motivated. I’m no expert about dieting, I’m learning what works for my body and I’m doing my best, but based on the last few weeks, here are my tips on getting started:

 

 

Do it for yourself

I don’t care what anyone says, losing weight is not easy. Making the decision to go on a diet and stick to it is not easy. There will be weeks when you do everything right and the best result is to maintain your current weight, there will be weeks when someone tells you how much food they ate and they lose four pounds, there will be people who lose it quicker than you, people who reach goals faster than you. For some the weight will drop off, for others it’s slow, painful progress. And that is why you have to do it for yourself. Because if there is some outside influence provoking you and it’s not something you need or want then it will be that much harder. Every pound you drop is something to be proud of. It’s a goal achieved. You’ll feel it so much deeper if you really want it.

 

 Exercise (ugh)

I hate exercising. It sucks. I find no pleasure in trying to get fit. So, my advice to you is do something that you can find enjoyment in. I’m, at heart, a lazy person so you’re unlikely to find me running or at the gym, so for my exercise (ugh) I walk the dog and I dance. And I don’t mean dance class. I get some music going and I dance until I’m tired. Usually with the dog jumping at my feet because she thinks it’s a game. Like I said, I’m lazy so I might not be the best person to offer advice on this but, hey, thirty minutes to an hour of walking has got to be better than thirty minutes to an hour watching TV dreaming of donuts.

 

Plan your meals

When I started weight watchers I found it difficult, not just the cutting down on all my favourite food part, but I didn’t know what to eat. With a limited number of points in a day I was at a bit of a loss, and the thing I find that makes it easier, is planning ahead. It’s difficult to start off with because it takes a while to build up your store cupboard with all the flavourings and weird new healthy food that you need for recipes, but after a while, it gets a bit easier, and soon it’s a part of your weekly routine. Think what you want for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What snacks you’ll want, and then find out what you need and add it to your shopping list. If you can prep and freeze; even better. It takes the stress out of meal decisions. Another problem that comes with dieting is when you eat out. Fortunately, a lot more places are adding healthy options to their menus and it really makes a difference but if you can get a look at a menu before you go then  you can plan ahead, and avoid the part that most other people find annoying; trying to find a low cal option while everyone’s waiting for you to decide.

 

Change your habits

One easy change to make is to eat from a smaller plate. It sounds like pointless, but I find it makes a difference. Eating from a smaller plate means you don’t have all that empty space surrounding your smaller portion and it means you don’t feel the need to fill it. As well as a smaller plate, drink more water. That way you don’t mistake thirst for hunger. Other pieces of advice I’ve been given are to eat at a table with no TV because when you’re distracted by television you’re not paying attention to your food and you shovel in more without realising. Also, it takes your body twenty minutes to realise your full so don’t be afraid to eat slowly or take breaks, and don't feel like you can never eat junk food again. If you cut out your favourites altogether (donuts for example) then you might find yourself quitting. I couldn't give up donuts forever, but I also know that eating them as often as I was wasn't healthy. Everything in moderation. That doesn't mean never again.

 

Find your motivation

It always seems easier to diet when you have a goal to achieve. A wedding, a holiday, anything with an endpoint and an achievement but even if you have nothing like those things to look forward to, you can create your own goals. I recently bought a dress for a writing event I was going to, and at the same time I bought one for upcoming Christmas meals and parties. The one for the writing event didn’t fit right. It was a little too tight which made it indecently short so I ended up wearing the Christmas party dress instead. Now the short, tight one is hanging on my wardrobe and it’s my first goal. To fit into that. If it happens by Christmas then great, if I don’t quite accomplish that then I’ll keep going till I do, but it’s a motivation to see this dress I love hanging up waiting for me to wear it. Another way is to reward yourself when reach milestones. Maybe you can put aside money for every pound you lose and then go shopping when you reach your goal weight. Or you can reward yourself at milestones. At your first half stone, or your first stone get your hair done, buy those shoes you want, get a tattoo, go drag racing. Whatever you want, but make a point of making that your reward and then it’s something to work toward.

 

Be healthy

This is my last and most important piece of advice. Dieting isn’t about starving yourself. Starting a new program is tough; understanding the program, what you can and can’t eat, pacing your points (or sins or calories: depending on which diet you do) throughout the day and week, but it should be balanced. You should be eating meals. If you’re looking for a lifestyle change that you can keep up then you need to find one that you can live with, that still let’s you enjoy food, that doesn’t harm you. Don’t starve yourself so you can binge. Don’t hurt your body to be thin. In my opinion the most important part of dieting, is to lose the weight healthily.

 

As I’ve already said, dieting is tough but one thing I get from going to a group is seeing how many people out there are doing the same thing. We’re trying to get healthy and it’s a constant support. People who are happy for you and encourage you when you lose a single pound, commiserate you when put on, advise you when you’re fed up and stuck. None of my friends are dieting so having this group makes a difference to me because they are the ones who understand my desire to be healthy and to feel better about myself that not everyone gets.

 

Whether you’re in a weight loss program, thinking about starting, or just reading this because you’re bored and it’s there… stay healthy and know we’re all struggling through this donut sacrifice together. 

 

Friday, 7 August 2020

Chronic Fatigue: The Parasite of Energy

 

Sometimes other people just suck the life right out of you. They make demands on you until your spirit is depleted.

 

This is where I’m at right now. Exhausted and battling to find the reserves to get through just one more day. And then I make it through that one, and I have to get through another. Crawling to the weekend so that I can finally have time and rest, to gather strength to get through another week.

 

It’s like my days are on a conveyor belt, dropping off the end into the aether, while I run in the opposite direction. Exhausted and getting nowhere.

 

This is what chronic fatigue is to me. In fact the symptoms of chronic fatigue are so similar to the symptoms I had when I had cancer that I can’t tell the difference, but because I work, because I have to keep trying, others don’t see or understand the pain in my body. I feel like I’m leaking petrol and any moment my engine is going to splutter to nothing. I feel like every footstep takes a mammoth effort, yet all I get for it are requests and demands. To try harder, to work more, to give my all.

 

Believe it or not; they’re getting my all, and it’s breaking me.

 

I want nothing more than to take pain killers and hide beneath my duvet sleeping. I’m tired. I’m tired all the time, and it makes me less patient, more snappish, less likely to put up with bullshit and drama because I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have it in me to listen to life-suckers and those who only take.

 

Chronic fatigue is like a parasite, sucking the energy and spirit right out of me, and when it’s at its worst, it feels like I’ve been beaten. This is the aftermath of chemo years later.

 

My brain has stuff to do, a to-do list to get down, but my body won’t let me. I have plans to make, a future to build, yet I have to figure out how to do it with a body that won’t co-operate.

 

Chronic fatigue doesn’t mean a person feels a little bit tired, it doesn’t mean they’ve had a busy week, it means their body is broken, and just because they struggle along, they don’t give in, they fight against it, it doesn’t mean they’re not ill. And when they give into it, it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or weak.

 

Sometimes I have to crumble in order to build myself back up. That’s what chronic fatigue is to me.

 

 


Saturday, 1 August 2020

When Things Get You Down


Sometimes when life is beating on you, it can be hard to keep the optimism, and not let things get you down.

Emotional Wreck

Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t know what provoked it, I don’t know why it happened, but all of a sudden, I just found life intolerable. Sometimes this happens. It happens to us all. The truth of where I am in life hit me like a tsunami. I felt suffocated by the fact that as a woman in her thirties, I’m so financially wrecked that I have to live with my parents. I can’t afford to run my own home.

Independent but dependent

I’m a single woman, which means I’m at a stage in my life where I should be allowed to please myself. What I watch on TV, when I clean, what I do with my own time, but instead many of the best parts of being single are lost to me because I don’t have true independence. Because this house is not mine.

I like my independence, but when you depend on living with others in order to survive financially, it’s like having it stripped away against your will. Most of the time I can get by on the attitude of ‘it is what it is’ but not last week. Last week every little irritant bonded with my problems and they broke me down.

You have to feel it

I cried. I cried a lot. I hid under my duvet and I gave into the feelings of devastation that I’m not where I wished I was in life. I’m not even close.
Sometimes you don’t want to just buck up and get over it. Sometimes you don’t want to dust yourself off. You don’t want to cheer up.

Sometimes you have to give in, even if for a little while, and cry, sob, whine. Whatever you need to do to work through it.

That was then…

That was last week, and I’d be lying if I said that I was once again feeling motivated and was working full force towards what I want in life. No. I’m not. The impact of that day where I admitted that I’m not happy with where I am has stuck with me, and I still feel sad about it. I’m not as driven as I was because I can’t just shake off those feelings. I’m still trying to work through it, and that’s okay.

It’s taking me some time to pick myself up. I’m not a machine. I’m not sunshine. I’m human, and sometimes that means I feel sad. I’ll only feel better when I’m ready to.

Friday, 24 July 2020

No News is Good News?



This has been a tough week and I haven’t been quiet about it.

The people closest to me have had to suffer through my sulky attitude as every piece of writing that I had out with publishers, agents, editors and competition judges came back to me with a big fat ‘No!’ I’ve had rejections coming out the wazoo.

I’m not great at handling rejection either. A bad trait for a writer perhaps, but it makes me reach for the donuts and I mooch around the house with a duvet over my head. Yup, I’m definitely a sulker.

This week with so many coming back at me it was like a bombardment, and while I may brood about it for a while, it doesn’t usually last long. It’s like a flash of misery and then I can shake it off and get going again, but this week as soon as I started to get over one rejection another would come through, and I have to say, my recovery period started to take longer.

The good thing with everything coming back all at once is that at least I know it’ll be a while before I get another. I didn’t take any days off from writing because when it comes down to it, I really do enjoy it – I’m just not a fan of other people’s responses to it – but what I have done is spent some time writing just for me. Things that I’ll never submit to anyone: my diary, poetry, ramblings. It helped me move on from the negativity that I was feeling whenever I turned my computer on to write.

I found this week a hard one to get over though so I might take some time before I send out another submission. For a little while to give myself a break, I’ll spend some time reading, I’ll write some more poetry, and I’ll gather the courage so that in a few months I’ll probably be back on Social Media complaining about all the no replies flowing into my inbox.


Thursday, 16 July 2020

I'm a Writer! What are you?



I was nineteen when I made the decision to follow my dreams and become a writer.

I'm still waiting for my dreams to make the same choice about me, but apparently, they work a little slower than I do. 

Now I'm a writer with a day job and no one can tell me that’s not a challenge. Balancing the responsibilities of real life, while finding time for my real love is the true test of time and over the last *cough* eighteen *cough* years, the worlds that exist inside my head have kicked this world’s ass.

I’ve sacrificed nights out, time with friends, career prospects. I’ve hidden myself away, putting fictional worlds onto paper while the real one passed me by, because I am a writer, and that meant sacrifice, and I’m sure it’s a trait that many creative people share. Writers, artists, designers, chefs… Hands up if you have a tendency to put creativity first. Hands up if you prioritise work, and not the work that may earn the money, but the one that infuses your soul.
As 2019 raced by, with my writing career stalled, my social life wilted from lack of use, and my love life as vibrant as a fading ghost, I knew I had to make a change.

The problem was that I already made the decision to be a writer years before, so for me, there is no plan b. Perhaps for you there isn’t either. I can’t turn off the story ideas, the characters who talk to me, the plot bunnies who hop through my imaginary gardens, and if I tried, they’d explode out of me and I’d spout flash fiction and limericks at anyone who came within earshot. I’d be unbearable. Even more than I usually am, as a regular, struggling author.

For others, the distraction may come in a different way, but I’d wager that no matter how you express your creativity, it’s always there, waiting to pounce the second you have something else to do, because that’s how the little bugger that disguises itself as talent works. It waits until you can’t make the most of it, and then it surges forward.

So, if shutting off the inner worlds isn’t an option then I’ll have to find a way to coincide fiction with reality. I need an alternative method for a symbiotic life. The question is how? And if anyone has answers to that, feel free to let me know, because that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Once life returns to some form of normal, my mission is to build a writing career alongside a day job and some kind of social life. (Tell me I’m not asking for miracles over here.) I’ll be figuring it out as I go. Feel free to join me. I’ve got Facebook, Twitter and Instagram set up, so anyone who wants to keep me company can follow along.

We can create together and manoeuvre through the maze that is the real world, which as an introvert, isn’t easy for the type of person I am. For a little while at least, I’m going to step a toe outside of my sparkly writing cave and see what all the fuss is about out there.
We just have a pandemic to get through first.

Sunday, 21 June 2020

I'm an Introvert: Accept Me!



I’m not an assertive person. Socially awkward are the words that describe me. I don’t stand out in a group, I don’t always know how to act or what to say, and in many social situations I feel uncomfortable.

I’ve learned over time, that this gives people the idea that I’m weak. I’m not! Because I try to get along with everyone and I try not to put my bad mood on others, it makes some people think that bad things have never happened to me or that I’m not always aware of the realities of life. They are wrong.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean I’m not intelligent. It doesn’t mean I’m a doormat. It doesn’t mean I need you to tell me how to dress or what to say or how to act. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid or naïve. It doesn’t mean I need to be coddled or that you should warn the people who you introduce me to that I’m awkward. It doesn’t mean you can say what you want to me no matter how offensive or cruel.

My life may be different to yours, but I’m not irrelevant because I’m single or because I’m at peace in my own company, and I don’t need you to step into my life and instruct me how to live it as you see it should be lived. I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t need a hero.

I’m not happy every second of my life. I feel discontent. I feel ambition. I feel hope. Desire. Love. Affection. Anger. Insecurity. Concern. Nerves. Fury. Irritation. I feel every human emotion that you feel.

I’m a grown-ass woman with adult responsibilities. I’m not a child who needs to be told how to act, and whose life choices should be demeaned because they weren’t the same as yours, and just because I don’t like confrontation doesn’t mean I won’t rise to it when you think you can control me.

These are some of the issues I’ve experience most of my life. Because I’m not always comfortable in certain situations, it makes others think less of me, and it’s something that has come up many times throughout my life. Work environments have been the worst, but there have also been friends who thought they could control me.

Being an introvert isn’t synonymous with being weak. Being content in my own company isn’t the same as loneliness.

I’m beyond grateful for my family. They’re the people in my life who can accept me without calling me miserable because I’m quiet when I’m overwhelmed. I love the ones who offer me help without condescension. I appreciate those who stand at my side no matter what, because they like who I am.

I’ll never feel comfortable in a group, I’ll never be the one to shine, but I don’t see this as something that needs to be altered. I’m content to blend in. I like that about myself. I’m happy that I find serenity by myself.

If you have an introvert in your life, then please remember:

Don’t try to fix us. We’re not broken.
Don’t try to dominate us. We’re not weak.
Don’t try to patronise us. We’re not stupid.

Accept us as we are.


Saturday, 25 April 2020

Remember outside? Me too.



I am an introvert. I’ve always been happiest at home, but even I am getting to the point where it would be nice to go somewhere. For an ice cream or a frappe. Hell, I’d settle for a walk around a garden centre.

Of course, my day-dreaming mind always takes me to London. It’s the perfect day for wandering the sights of the city, stopping for an iced coffee or a beer, walking along the river and eating outside at a riverside restaurant. Maybe drinking a bit more wine, followed by more coffee. I am a writer after all.
Mostly, I just miss the freedom to go anywhere, even knowing if I had the freedom, I’d probably still be in my garden.

I understand the lockdown and I agree with it, and it’s times like these I’m happy to have my busy imagination, because as I sit at my garden table, I can sip wine and imagine I’m in London or in Whitby, sitting in a café that overlooks a river or the sea, and I can imagine a time I will be there in reality.

In isolation imagination is key.

In isolation take to your daydreams.

Friday, 24 April 2020

Lockdown Imagination



I’m lucky in this time of quarantine that my hobbies are so well suited to isolation.

Besides writing obviously, my current interests are visiting property websites to view houses I can’t afford, checking out cars I can’t afford, and researching fertility treatments I many never be able to afford.

If you’d asked me years ago where I saw myself at thirty-eight years old, this wasn’t it. This wasn’t even close. I thought I’d be a super-successful writer, married with kids and living in a house of my own.

Reality looks a little different. Not that there aren’t good things about being thirty-eight, single and living with my parents, but you know, it wasn’t exactly the dream.

The thing about being locked down at home, it gives a person time to think about what they want from life. A lot of time to think.

In my day job I’m classed as an essential worker, so I still go out to work, but all the other things have been removed, which like I said, is where my interests come in handy. I still know what I want out of life, and now all I do is think about it.

I have dreams of sitting on Butler’s Wharf, eating nice food, drinking wine and overlooking Tower Bridge, but mostly what I want is to be a writer and to have a family.

I guess when you concentrate a person’s thoughts, true desires burst forward. But mine are still at their core, what they have always been.

I want to write, I want a baby and a trip to London would be nice.

Wednesday, 22 April 2020

It’s April 22nd 2020!



It’s a pleasure to meet you!

I’m Kelly. I’m a British indie writer among other things. I have a day job, I have hobbies, and I have a dog.

Those are the basics. Those are a few things about me.

Today is my day off so I’m taking time to update all my socials, blogs and website, before I settle down for an afternoon and evening of writing romance.

Romance is my favourite genre to write. I like paranormal and scifi most of all, but I’m also partial to some contemporary. My current WIP is a shifter romance, which is in the editing phase and will hopefully be finished and ready for publication soon.

At the moment, in lockdown, I still go to work because I’m considered to be an essential worker, and then I come home, and I write. I also sew, knit, and cross-stitch. For my one hour of exercise as permitted by the UK government I walk my furbaby, avoiding people as best I can so as not to endanger anyone.

I sit in the garden to write a lot at the moment too. Partly because it’s a chance to be outside in the sun, and partly because my dog is really bossy and she makes me by barking until I give in. What can I say? I’m a crazy dog lady and she’s my baby.

For those of you who don’t know me, that’s a little intro from me to you.